Full House Season 1, Episode 15: A Pox in Our Home

"See you later for our pointless scene!"

Jesse and his humongous acapella group are performing in the living room. They have a little choreography that consists of walking in a circle. When they finally stop singing, everyone flips out. Jesse tells the group he'll see them later at dress rehearsal and they take 30 seconds to leave as they have to sing their way out. The family notices Stephanie is lying on the ground all sick-like. Turns out she has the chicken pox. Everyone else in the room has reportedly had the chicken pox, except Joey, though he says he's immune. They realize they have to make sure Michelle doesn't get sick.

Upstairs, Danny tucks Stephanie into bed with animal oven mitts on her hands to keep her from scratching. Stephanie says she doesn't want to miss her dance class the next day because a real ballerina is performing. Jesse comes into the room in a sequined tuxedo and the studio audience goes gaga. He gives Stephanie some lotion for her pockmarks and tells her he never scratched his because he was tough. Joey shows up and gives Stephanie a teddy bear to scratch and an air horn. Danny tucks Stephanie back into bed and says he'll be with her all weekend, except for the next afternoon because he's working on a special report where he'll get to warm up with a basketball team and sit on the bench during the game. Jesse says he's got his dress rehearsal that night, then his doo-wop show the next night, but will otherwise be around. Joey, of course, has absolutely nowhere else to be over the weekend. DJ is happy to escape the house for her first slumber party the next evening.

Then there's a useless scene where DJ tries to get Michelle to go to sleep. Worked for me!

In the kitchen the next morning, Danny is in his uniform goofing around with a basketball. DJ is getting picked up in a couple of minutes for her slumber party. Jesse comes downstairs looking like death, and Joey also looks even more awful than usual and points out some pockmarks on his skin. Just then, Jesse's mom conveniently calls and Jesse finds out he never had the chicken pox as a child. Jesse annoyingly repeats everything his mother says on the phone, which must explain why she hangs up so fast. Danny definitely needs a sitter now, since neither of the guys can go near Michelle. DJ wants to rush off to the slumber party, and Danny reassures her that he'll find a sitter for the day. Ooh, ooh, I know - call Kimmy and liven this episode up a bit.

Despite her fever, Stephanie has rounded up a fedora, long scarf, sunglasses, and a trench coat to wear as a disguise to sneak out of the house to her dance class. How resourceful! She proceeds to sneak around Jesse, Joey, and Danny. This whole sequence has a lot of really badly dubbed lines. As Danny leaves the living room, Stephanie makes for the door. Jesse comes downstairs and pretends to believe the disguise until she cracks. He walks her back upstairs to bed.

Down in Joey's room, Jesse and Joey are dabbing lotion on their pox. Joey says they have to make the best of the situation. They end up challenging each other to not scratch. This whole scene has a really weird energy; they look like they're about to pounce each other. They finally end up scratching each other and rubbing their bodies together until Danny walks in on them. I swear I'm not exaggerating this scene at all.

Later in the living room, Danny is still calling sitters and having no luck. He tells Michelle he has no one else to call. Danny considers getting DJ to come home to watch Michelle, but doesn't want to spoil her slumber party. There's a pretty cute moment where Danny pretends to call Michelle on her play phone, and she hangs up on him. It's cute because it seems like it was unrehearsed and not forced, unlike every one of Michelle's scenes once she's old enough to take direction. (Oops, spoilers.)

Back in Joey's room, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are spraying their pockmarks with water for relief and singing "Chain Gang." Danny comes downstairs and sings about the lunch he made everyone and ruins the moment. Nobody is hungry, and as Danny sets the tray down I cry because delicious sandwiches are being wasted. Danny joins them on the bed and tells them he's sticking around and has to miss filming his report. Just then, DJ appears and says she wanted to make sure Danny had a babysitter. The sappy music starts up as Danny thanks DJ over and over and DJ says being part of a family is doing nice things for each other. Danny still won't leave, gushing that he's honoured to be a part of the family and that the guys are doing something right in raising the girls. Danny finally takes off and the scene ends with Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie yelling out demands while DJ backs out of the room.

***

Award for legitimately funny moment goes to: Jesse and Stephanie doing the "chicken strut."

Unintentionally hilarious moment: After the acapella group gives Danny the stink eye over his singing, Danny says, "Hey, if we were all in the shower, you'd be begging for more."

First appearance of: While we saw Jesse perform with a band in Episode 2, this is the first time we see his acapella group, which has approximately 17 members.

I am baffled by: The size of the acapella group. Did John Stamos owe a bunch of favours to aspiring performers? Rockapella only has 5 members, and they consistently blew the roof off the Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? set.

Deep thoughts: As cringeworthy as this show can be, I have to give props to Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos for consistently giving their all when the script calls for really embarrassing lines and behaviour. A good example is Danny's song about the lunch he made for the sick peeps - it's totally ridiculous, but he sings it and dances along like a good sport.

Episode rating: Nothing special...nothing terrible, either. I give it 2.75 out 5 novelty oven mitts.

Photo source: veehd.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 14: Half a Love Story

1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a mousse war.

Danny's on the air at the news station doing his sportscasting thing. They go to commercial and we meet Danny's friend Robin. She's at the station for an interview for a field reporter position. She's pretty enough, but has major fluffy triangle head and a weirdly coordinated outfit. As Danny gets dragged away to work, he insists that Robin  come over for dinner and stay at his place that night. Uncle Jesse arrives with Michelle and scopes out Robin. He uses Michelle to lure her in. Robin takes the bait and actually blows raspberries on the tummy of the strange baby she just met three seconds ago. Jesse asks Robin out on a date that night, but Robin suggests the next day instead since she has plans. Jesse leaves Michelle with Danny as he's going back on the air. He's left holding her and introducing her to the audience. I don't know how those working dads (with live-in help) do it!

Later that night, Robin is hanging out in the living room with Danny and the girls. Joey is trying to pass off Chinese take-out cartons as his own cooking. Stephanie catches him but promises to keep quiet. The only thing of interest in this scene is that there's a really badly dubbed line. Then some chick with a scrunchie shows up saying she and Jesse have a standing date with each other when they don't have dates. Back in the living room, Jesse comes home and sees Robin. They "have chemistry." At this point in the viewing, I accidentally set the DVD on fast play and freaked myself out as everyone started talking fast and jerking around. Danny tells Jesse that Robin is staying for the weekend and Jesse's hair gets a little fluffier. Joey calls Robin, Danny, and the girls into the kitchen. Just then, Jill comes downstairs to the living room and, though Jesse tries to usher her out before Robin sees her, decides to stay for dinner.

At dinner, everybody enjoys the awkwardness as Jesse takes a seat between Jill and Robin. Robin has a smug look on her face and rubs it in that Jesse has a date that night. I don't see what the big deal is - he only just met Robin that afternoon. Jesse cringes as Jill puts her arm around him and starts telling the story of how she met Jesse. Turns out it's exactly how Jesse hit on Robin with Michelle.

In Jesse's room, Robin is practicing her audition newscast with Danny. Jesse wants a chance to explain Jill to Robin. Robin says he has nothing to apologize for, but wants to break their date. She says she knows Jesse's type and doesn't want to get into trouble again. Jesse puts the moves on her, and they flirt with each other with Danny sitting right between them. Finally, Danny gets kicked out of the room and Robin tells Jesse she's afraid of getting hurt. Then Robin kicks Jesse out, where the whole family is eavesdropping in the hallway. IT'S THAT BUNNY DRAWING AGAIN IN THE BACKGROUND! Funny how it shows up when I'm bored.

The next morning at breakfast, Jesse says he's over Robin and is moving on. Danny tells Jesse to slow down for once and just become friends with Robin. Upstairs, the girls are watching Robin get ready for her audition and saying they want her to date Jesse. Robin says she hopes one day she has nieces just like them. What a strange thing to say. Stephanie slams her finger in her drawer and Jesse comes to the rescue to make her feel better while Robin watches.

Later at the station, Jesse walks in on Robin practicing her audition piece. Robin asks him for feedback and he tells her she's boring. He says she's not showing any energy and shouldn't be afraid to go nuts. Jesse puts on his own audition as an example and the less said about it, the better. We're supposed to believe this helped loosen her up.

Later at the house, everyone's toasting Robin because she got the job. Robin asks to speak to Jesse alone in the backyard. Robin thanks Jesse for his help at the audition. She says she was wrong about Jesse - that he has strong maternal instincts and she likes that about him. She says she understands why the girls love him. Jesse says he wants to become friends with Robin, but that it'll be up to her to make the first move if she wants to go any further. They hug each other and Jesse asks if that was the move. Robin asked if his toes curled, then says that when she makes a move, everything curls. That just sounds painful.


***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Stephanie, after DJ admits she doesn't remember meeting Robin. Danny: "It's ok, Deej, you were only five." Stephanie: "I'm only five. Does that mean I'm going to forget all this?!"

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: Jesse: "We're like fire and ice, you and me." Robin: "Do you know what you get with fire and ice?" Jesse: "Yeah. Steam."

First and last appearance of: Robin Winslow. I get the feeling that this Robin person was supposed to eventually become the Rebecca Donaldson character (i.e., Jesse's wife). Her arrival onto the show feels a bit forced, and with the weird nieces comment and the job offer, it just feels like she's being set up to be a regular character. I guess viewers didn't warm up to her gigantic hair and non-existent chemistry with Jesse.

I am baffled by: The writers asking us to believe that Jesse would have to leave Michelle at the station with Danny while he works. Isn't Joey the full-time babysitter? What the hell was he up to all day?

Episode rating: Aside from some skillful line deliveries from the girls, this episode was the pits. 1 out of 5 trashcans full of Chinese take-out cartons.

Photo source: stuffpoint.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 13: Sisterly Love

The least attractive cereal box design ever.

Danny comes through the front door and grandly announces DJ to...no one, since the family is right behind him. DJ just starred in a rendition of The Frog Prince. Danny is annoyed when Jesse tells Danny to let DJ audition for commercials, because DJ gets all pumped up.

Later (the next day?), Danny finds Jesse and Michelle in the kitchen. Joey comes in with a bag of groceries and turns down a corned beef sandwich. He has tofu, salt-free rice crackers, and veggies. The guys laugh at him until Joey reveals his cholesterol is a little high so he has to exercise and eat less fat. Joey has also decided to give up junk food, which Danny and Jesse find hard to believe. Danny rudely brings the attention back to himself to say he spoke to a casting director and there's an audition next week for a cereal commercial. He isn't sure if he should tell DJ, and Jesse and Joey are useless in helping Danny make a decision. He decides to just talk to DJ about it. Of course, she's thrilled and wants to audition.

In some audition reception room, DJ, Stephanie, and Jesse arrive and watch all the pretentious professional kiddie actors hanging around. Turns out Jesse didn't even bring a headshot for DJ - as if Danny, a sportscaster, wouldn't have known that was necessary. DJ is allowed to audition anyway. The casting lady thinks she's great and wants her to perform again for Mr. Betten, the guy who makes the final decision. DJ wants to do her hair and Jesse suddenly has to go put change in the meter, so Stephanie is conveniently left alone in the room with the casting lady. Stephanie starts playing with the cereal when Mr. Betten comes in and thinks she is perfect for the commercial. Jesse and DJ come back in to see Stephanie getting offered the role, even though they were only off-screen for 36 seconds.

Back at home in the kitchen, Danny is watching Joey have a wheat germ drink. DJ comes in and slams drawers and pouts over to the table with a bottle of juice. Jesse and Stephanie reveal Stephanie got the part. Danny simultaneously congratulates her and apologizes to DJ, who stomps off to her room.

Later in Michelle's room, Joey is waving a Big Mac in the baby's face. He can't help himself from chowing down on the burger. The guys come in and Joey hides the burger in Michelle's crib, though the guys find it in like five seconds. Joey cries that he has no willpower. Danny tells Joey he tried to change too quickly and should try more moderation. Danny tells the guys he has to go to work and that Jesse and Joey have to keep an eye on the girls, who are avoiding each other.

Downstairs, DJ walks in on Stephanie practicing her commercial and reading all the actions in parentheses out loud. The girls start chasing each other around the kitchen and yelling until the box of cereal gets ripped open and Jesse and Joey have to separate them. DJ runs to Joey's room and the guys follow her. Joey tells DJ that it's normal to get rejected at auditions. Take it from the expert, DJ. Jesse tries a little reverse psychology on DJ, ultimately pointing out that Stephanie didn't steal the part on purpose. But DJ is sick of having cuter, younger sisters and misses being the only kid. The guys point out the benefits of being the older sister. The scene ends with noogies.

In the living room, Stephanie is trying to call the commercial people to turn down the role. DJ comes in and the girls work everything out while someone cues the string orchestra that is hiding in the attic. DJ helps Stephanie practice her lines.

***

Award for legitimately funny performance goes to: Jesse was funny enough in general. There was a quick shot of him mouthing along with DJ's cue cards in the audition that was chuckle-worthy.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll:  DJ: "You're my best friend." (...) Stephanie: "Well that works out great, because you're mine." Children don't talk to each other like that.

First appearance of: Stephanie saying "How rude!"

Unintentionally hilarious moment: In the lead-up to the commercial break after Jesse and DJ find out Stephanie was offered the part, while ominous music is playing, there's a pretty funny shot of DJ giving Stephanie the stinkeye while Stephanie just kind of has a blank look on her face and stares at nothing. Maybe a 5-year-old doesn't know how to play guilt.

I am baffled by: The healthy eating subplot. It had no point.

Episode rating: 2.75 out of 5 paper grocery bags with bunches of carrots peeking out of the top.

Photo source:  sidereel.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 12: Our Very First Promo

The general sentiment from viewers of this episode.

I usually don't pay attention to the opening credits since they're like 40 minutes long, but I happened to watch them just now and noticed that the shot from behind of Danny and the girls fishing is totally not Danny and the girls. The camera gets a pretty good shot of the man's profile and it's not Bob Saget, and you can tell they used two random blonde children with different hairstyles to stand in for DJ and Stephanie. I wonder if it's the same man who was originally cast in Danny's role? (Tip: on the first season DVDs, you can watch the pilot they shot with the original Danny. It's weird.) I guess they were too lazy to reshoot the scene, which is even stranger since they did manage to shoot a clip of the real Danny and the girls fishing from the front. They film all kinds of stupid crap for this show, but they couldn't manage to roll the cameras behind the actors for ten seconds?

Anyway, on to the episode. Kimmy Gibbler's back! She and DJ are in the garage saying goodbye. Why in such a hurry, Kimmy? I guess this episode aired out of sequence, since Joey's room is in the now-renovated garage as of two episodes ago. Stephanie appears, much to DJ's chagrin. As Kimmy's leaving, Stephanie hears a really fake animal call and thinks it's a monster.

Upstairs, Joey is cooking dinner in character as a Japanese chef. Jesse joins in on the casual racism. He has his exterminator uniform on to remind us of what he does for a living. The girls come up and tell Jesse about the strange recording noise they heard. Danny arrives home from work and announces that the station is filming a promo about its newscasters, and his is being shot first. The family doesn't care until they find out they'll be in the promo too. The crew is coming over the next day to film them.

The monster sound comes on again overnight and wakes up the girls. They run into the hallway screaming. In the only interesting part of the episode, Jesse comes out of his bedroom in a tank top. He investigates the noise and finds nothing. Danny ends up sitting in bed with the girls to help them sleep. He bores the girls to sleep, but can't get out of bed without disturbing them, so ends up spending the night in their room. This whole scene is so pointless - it's not funny at all. If they needed to pad the episode, they could have just filmed Jesse changing into and out of his tank top or shaving his head.

The next day, Jesse and Joey are dressing Michelle for her television debut when the monster makes his noise again. Jesse determines it's a ferret and gets all excited to track it down. Downstairs, the doorbell rings and it's the TV director person, Ronnie. Like I mentioned, Joey's stuff is still in the alcove for this episode. We're supposed to hate Ronnie because she's pretentious. I just hate her.

Down in the garage, Jesse is trying to catch the ferret with a baseball glove, quickly telling Joey he "had to improvise" because he left his exterminator tools in the car. What kind of a stupid excuse is that? When Jesse hears the ferret walking around in the wall, he takes off the baseball glove and tosses it away - so what was the point of wearing it in the first place? Jesse tells Joey he's going to kill the ferret, but Joey thinks that's sad and opens the garage door to free it. The ferret goes up into the crawl space with Jesse right behind him. Joey takes the ladder away and won't put it back until Jesse promises he won't kill the ferret. Instead of insisting Joey put the ladder back, Jesse just starts climbing down headfirst onto Joey's shoulders, which of course Ronnie walks in on. She can't believe she has to shoot a promo with these bozos. I can't believe I watch this show voluntarily.

Later, Danny shows up and sees Joey moving all of his stuff out of the alcove because Ronnie told him he has to pretend not to exist. Joey gets to hold the cue cards behind the scenes. That's not a union job? Ronnie tells Danny she wants to set him apart from the crowd and sell his family with class and sophistication. They run through a quick rehearsal, which has Danny coming home from work, speaking Italian, and being greeted by a strange dog. The camera guy is walking around like he's filming while Ronnie stands right in front of the lens. Nice rehearsing, guys. The girls come in dressed in fancy skirts, carrying violins, and speaking French. Jesse pretends to be the help. (Pretends?) Then "Michelle" comes in, but she's been replaced by another child who's way cuter because Ronnie didn't think Michelle was right for the part. Since Danny hasn't yelled at Jesse and Joey for a while, he yells at them for getting talked into this charade. Ronnie tells Danny that local news is a competitive market and Danny has to make a splash. Danny says he's proud of his family, and he wants to direct the commercial himself. Ronnie gets to hold the cue cards. I'm sure the various unions employed by the station won't object to that!

Some time later, the family watches themselves on TV (with Kimmy). The commercial is really stupid and no station would ever air it. (...Well, I guess ABC did). They go into the kitchen for sundaes when Jesse hears the sound again. He catches the ferret and tells Joey he's going to let it go free.

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Danny says to Ronnie: "You're saying my daughter wasn't right for the part of my daughter?" Joey: "I auditioned for the part and I came that close."

Lines that generated the biggest eyerolls: The girls' "cute" interruptions during the family commercial.

I am baffled by: There are so many inconsistencies in this particular episode, and you could drive Bullet through the holes in the plot, barnacles included.

Further thoughts on the opening credits: The giant family-style spaghetti dinner the gang is sitting down to at the end of the credits always makes me hungry. Also, it cracks me up that Michelle is sitting on the floor by herself in front of a wide open door to the backyard, until Danny finally remembers she's part of the family too and picks her up.

Episode rating: 0.5 out of 5 illogical, improvised methods for catching ferrets.

Photo source: Veehd.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 11: The Big Three-O

Eh, that'll buff right out.

Joey serves the girls breakfast and reminds them not to reveal there's a surprise 30th birthday party for Danny that night. Danny comes downstairs and the family wishes him a happy birthday. Danny wants everyone to move on and forget that he's turning 30. The girls give Danny a coupon book. One of the coupons is for a free carwash for Bullet, Danny's beloved car, which we've only ever seen in the opening credits. Danny bought it ten years ago on his birthday. 

The doorbell rings and it turns out the family got Danny a chauffeur and stretch limo for the day. Danny reminds Jesse and Joey he doesn't want a party. As soon as he leaves, Jesse and Joey start talking logistics for that night. Jesse is taking Bullet to get fitted for custom seat covers as a present for Danny.

Later that night, several adults are mingling in the livingroom. Stephanie and DJ are passing around trays of appetizers. Mmm, cheese platter. In the backyard, Jesse just got Bullet towed back to the house. The car is all busted up and covered in seaweed. He confesses to Joey and the girls that Bullet was in an accident. Caroline, aspiring captain of the Tanner Love Boat, comes in to announce that Danny's coming up the front steps. Jesse and Joey hide the seat covers and agree not to let Danny see the gift or Bullet until after the party.

Danny opens the door and everyone yells surprise. Caroline is holding Michelle, hoping Danny will accept her as a substitute mother for his children. The guys try to butter Danny up. Joey says that Jesse deserves all the credit for the party, and Jesse gives Danny a big hug. This has nothing at all to do with the scene, but DJ is wearing a bolo tie. 

Later, Danny is opening gifts. Caroline mounted Danny's bait for him since he didn't catch anything on the sea cruise (of love). Nice flirting, Caroline - we all know the way to a man's heart is to humiliate him in front of his friends and children. Stephanie comes into the room with the wrapped seat covers and Danny grabs the box before Jesse and Joey can. He opens the seat covers and leaves to put them on Bullet right away. Caroline sneaks off to unload her luggage into Danny's bedroom. Joey and Jesse catch up to Danny in the kitchen and confess to the accident. Apparently Jesse was coming out of the store with the seat covers when some guy crashed into Bullet and sent him through a guardrail and into the bay. Danny thinks Jesse is joking until he sees Bullet looking like he sank with the Titanic instead of just being in the bay for a couple of hours.

Jesse tells Danny he takes full responsibility for the accident. Danny is a bit stunned and says it's no big deal, but Jesse and Joey get him in touch with his anger by reminding him how much he loved Bullet, and that the car represented his 20s. Danny sadly says he'll never forget this birthday and goes to bed. 

Joey interrupts Danny reading to Michelle the next morning. Joey tells Danny to buck up - it's just a car! Jeez, Joey, give the man one friggin' day to mope. Danny says it's more than the car - he's having a bit of a crisis about turning thirty and being a grownup. Jesse pokes his head in and says he'll make it up to Danny. He tells Joey to get ready to go pick up another surprise for Danny. 

Jesse and Joey wander into a car dealership and find a car that looks exactly like Bullet. Jesse claims to have somehow had the time to call every dealer in Northern California to find it, even though in the previous scene Danny was just saying how early in the morning it was. Jesse says they have to get the car for no more than $11,700 so Danny can cover it with his insurance cheque. The phone rings and another buyer is on the phone and offering $12,000. Jesse and Joey start outbidding the mystery caller, who turns out to be Danny, until the price goes up to $20,000. Danny says that's too insane and hangs up. Jesse and Joey zzzzzz...end up getting the car for $11,500.

The guys come home and Danny shows them a brochure for the new car he's going to buy, saying he's moving on from his old one. Jesse and Joey admit they got Danny a new Bullet. The Imminent Hug music starts up. Danny says the guys made his birthday great. He sends the guys to round up the girls for a ride in the new car. The show closes on the family taking a ride that is identical to the one they take in the opening credits. Neat! 

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Danny when he's reading to Michelle. "Oh, it's Mr. Car. What does Mr. Car say? You're right. He doesn't say anything. Because he's dead."

Person that generated the biggest eyeroll: Caroline, in general.

First appearance of: Bullet; The backyard.

I am baffled by: The fact that the seat covers are gift wrapped. Do car dealerships provide that as a service? Or did the car fall into the bay and Jesse rushed right out to get the seat covers wrapped? Couldn't the dealer have installed them onto the seats so Danny wouldn't have to do it? Does anyone know why I'm still talking about this?

Episode rating: This episode was nothing special. I feel like the show gets a little better when DJ and Stephanie get expanded roles. I give this episode 1.5 out of 5 oversize novelty bows for cars.

Photo source: fullhouse.wikia.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 10: Joey's Place

Not to be a killjoy, but his room still doesn't have a door.

Joey is ironing in his most hideous shirt. In case you're wondering - no, he can't just iron like a normal person. DJ and Stephanie come down and Joey tells them he has news, but he can't tell them what. Jesse comes in from the garage after a long day of killing bugs for a living. Again, Joey says he can't reveal his good news. Jesse really couldn't give less of a shit. Danny comes home from work, and Joey finally announces he's been chosen to go on a comedy tour for two weeks. Sure, Joey. Wait, we should be kind - he's probably going to rehab and that's his cover story. Joey says he might not go, though, because he can't neglect his housework and the girls. Jesse offers to take two weeks off and fill in for Joey. (Heard daily around the Full House writer's table: "I'm not sure how to end this scene, any ideas?" "Hugs.")

In the living room, Joey is practicing his comedy. Doesn't seem like practice is making much of a difference. His clothes are strewn all over the room, of course. Joey keeps getting interrupted by everyone. He walks around the house looking for a place to rehearse, but can't find one. He eventually ends up in the garage. DJ comes in and watches Joey do his "Ode to a Fountain" bit, which essentially involves spitting water all over the place. DJ tells Joey he can practice in her room, but Joey says the garage isn't that bad. DJ finds out Joey has to keep his clothes in his car. I'm not surprised; he does carry a full wardrobe for his mannequin. Joey admits it's hard not to have any privacy. 

Upstairs, DJ is telling Jesse and Danny about how pathetic Joey is, while Stephanie looks out to make sure Joey doesn't overhear. DJ wants them all to help Joey get his own space. Joey comes in and the family acts all dodgy around him, saying they're doing a new family ritual of singing Michelle to sleep. Joey is hurt he wasn't included. 

Downstairs the next morning, Jesse is cooking breakfast in an apron like a pro. Joey has made a calendar of the girls' activities and his cleaning schedule for Jesse. The family comes down for breakfast and Jesse goes all June Cleaver on their asses. Joey is a bit miffed when the family asks for second helpings of Jesse's cooking. Jesse made the girls' lunches, too, so Joey feels extra useless. Before he leaves on his tour, he stops to see Michelle, who's hanging out in her playpen in the living room. So the whole family was in the kitchen cooking or eating breakfast and Michelle was in the living room by herself? Joey confides in her that he feels left out and not needed. 

Later, Michelle and Jesse are watching TV. Jesse blows raspberries on Michelle's tummy and the resulting movement in his hair is mesmerizing. A woman drops by for Joey, saying it's his turn to watch the kids. Turns out Joey watches all the kids in the neighborhood a couple of days a week. Jesse tries to intimidate the kids, but they just start throwing laundry around the living room. And that's different from when Joey's around because...?

That night, Jesse is making dinner, insisting the girls wait for Danny to arrive before eating. Danny finally comes in, and Jesse glares at him. They do a whole schtick where Jesse acts like the unappreciated housewife ragging on her absent husband. Jesse finally breaks and lays his head down on the table. By the way, he's only been a homemaker for one day. Danny says he figured out the alcove problem - they're going to hire a contractor and build Joey his own room.

Two weeks later, Joey comes home and no one greets him. He notices that his alcove is empty. In the kitchen, the family agrees to act all cool. Joey comes in and they halfheartedly greet him without taking their eyes off their board game. Joey asks where his stuff is, and they say it's in the garage. Joey flips out at them for getting rid of his stuff and not caring about him. He rants at them all the way down to the garage, then sees his swingin' new pad. Danny says Joey is his best friend and is doing Danny the biggest favour ever by looking after the girls for free. DJ tries to sell 5-year-old Stephanie on the alcove, and even she knows better than to agree to that. Everyone tackles Joey onto the bed.

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Once again, it's all in the delivery. After Jesse has his mini-breakdown over the housework, Danny says he's going to build Joey a room, and Jesse says: "Oh, great - another room for me to clean."

Unintentionally hilarious line: Joey claiming he's "been chosen as one of the hot, up-and-coming comics to go on a two-week, 16 college tour!"

First appearance of: DJ wagging her head and saying: "Ooh, the man is hot!"; we learn Joey's mannequin is named "Manny."

Episode rating: This episode made me feel bad for ragging on Joey so much - as annoying as he is, I have to admire him for looking after the girls and the house while Danny and Jesse work. Still, I really hate Joey-centric episodes. I give this one 0.5 out of 5 bombed college tour comedy routines.

Photo source:  Ovguide.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 9: The Miracle of Thanksgiving

Check out that turkey. And the roasted bird.

It's 7 AM on Thanksgiving. Danny wakes Jesse up to tell him he has a problem and needs to see him downstairs. In the living room, Joey is sleeping on his little cot in the alcove. He wakes up and annoys Jesse with his enthusiasm for the day. Danny announces that his mom is snowed-in and can't cook their Thanksgiving dinner. Joey says they can take care of the dinner, due to the miracle of Thanksgiving. Danny says everything has to be perfect because it's the girls' first Thanksgiving since their mother died. The guys pledge to make the day great for the girls. 

Later in the kitchen, the guys stare slack-jawed at all the ingredients needed for dinner. Joey is reading through cookbooks and finds the instructions too overwhelming. They decide to make a restaurant reservation instead. The girls come downstairs and Danny breaks the news about Grandma. He then announces the restaurant plan, which makes DJ all mopey. She hates their idea because her mom always made a home cooked meal for Thanksgiving. DJ says she knows how to make the pumpkin pie, and that Grandma was going to put DJ in charge of the turkey anyway. The guys decide to pitch in with side dishes.

Food's ready, and the gang sets the table to "Get Ready" by the Temptations. In addition to cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner, everyone learned a four-minute choreography. The family thanks DJ for saving dinner. Joey and Jesse go to carve the turkey, but it's still frozen stiff. Danny is praising DJ when he gets the signal from Jesse and Joey that the turkey is frozen. DJ asks if her mom would have been proud of her, as everyone else in the room and the viewing audience cringe.

Danny goes to confer with the guys, and lies to DJ that her turkey is fine. He says he wants to put it back in the oven for a crispy skin, and cranks the heat up to like 700 degrees. The doorbell rings. Two ladies are at the door and happen to be carrying a cooked turkey with them. They got lost on the way to their uncle's house for dinner. Danny's ears perk up at the mention of hot turkey and he sends the girls upstairs. Danny and Joey want Jesse to work his magic and convince the ladies and the turkey to stay for dinner. Jesse asks them to stay, but the ladies say their husbands wouldn't be happy. And those husbands are where? Out in the car? Why are they sitting in the car if the ladies were so sure this was Uncle Whatshisface's house that they brought the hot turkey with them to the door? Danny offers them money for the turkey, and they start to haggle.

In the kitchen, Joey gets his tongue stuck in a bottle. He then gets the bottle stuck between the slats on the back of a chair, and notices smoke coming out of the oven. He runs into the living room screaming while holding the chair and scares the ladies off. Joey finally manages to get the guys into the kitchen, where they take turkey out of the oven. It looks like coal. DJ spots the turkey and flips. Danny admits it was frozen, which crushes DJ. Then Stephanie drops the pumpkin pie on the ground. It depresses me when desserts are wasted. Both girls run upstairs.

Up in Danny's room, DJ mopes that she let her mom down. Danny says her mom knew Thanksgiving isn't about turkey, but about family. Stitch that on a sampler, Danny. Also, cue the string orchestra. He says DJ brought the family together. They hug.

Jesse tells Stephanie everyone makes mistakes, and he wants to show her a mistake he made once. He pulls out a photo album and shows Stephanie photos of when he was five and let his sister Pam, Stephanie's mom, cut his hair. They come across a photo of Pam. DJ and Stephanie head off to make another pumpkin pie with new attitudes. Jesse quietly tells his sister's photo that she missed a great Thanksgiving. Danny comes in and sees the photos and wants to look at them, but Jesse tries to rush out. Danny realizes Jesse is struggling on his first Thanksgiving without his sister. Jesse finally breaks and wonders when the loss is going to stop hurting. Danny comforts him, saying the feeling never completely goes away. He tells Jesse he doesn't have to go through this alone. Jesse says it's hard for him to talk about, but Danny says talking about Pam helps him keep her close. Jesse shows Danny some more pictures from his childhood. Danny tells Jesse he's glad he's there. I punch myself in the face for tearing up at a Full House episode.

Around the table, the family says grace. Danny carves the turkey shell as the family starts passing around dishes.

***

Award for legitimately funny scene goes to: As much as I hate to award this to Joey, I always crack up when he screams after seeing the smoke coming out of the oven and then discovers the burning turkey.

Moments that generated tears: When Danny and Jesse talk about missing Pam; when Stephanie drops the pumpkin pie.

Line that generated homicidal urges: Joey repeatedly making a trumpet sound and saying "It's the miracle of Thanksgiving." (5 times)

First appearance of: Danny saying, "Give me my kid." The family's address, 1882 Gerard.

Episode rating: Despite the cheesy dance scene and grating trumpet imitations, this episode showed vast improvement over the last couple of stinkers. Bob Saget and John Stamos had a genuinely touching scene, and Joey, while never completely not annoying, did have a couple of humorous moments. I give this episode 3 out of 5 chiselled pieces of frozen turkey.

Photo source: stuffpoint.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 8: Jesse's Girl

Surely her brain injury happened off-screen.

It's a dark and stormy night. Jesse comes downstairs into the living room brandishing a baseball bat. In the dark, he almost hits Joey with the bat...so close. The lights come on as Danny runs downstairs after hearing the guys scream. The girls also come down to check out the commotion. I notice Jesse's hair is extra fluffy in this scene; I wonder what his wig master's secret is. Jesse claims there's a prowler, but Joey tells them Jesse is really carrying a bat around because he's mad at Joey. Danny asks the guys to hug, but Jesse refuses and starts telling his story, claiming Joey stabbed him in the back. I notice that Joey's mannequin is, of course, wearing the same pajamas as Joey. Does Joey put pajamas on his mannequin even when he has a girl staying over? Oh, I'm being silly - as if that's ever happened.

Flashback flashback flashback. Last week, Jesse decided to start teaching guitar lessons. His first student, Corinna, arrives and her hair's even bigger than Jesse's. Jesse thinks she's pretty cute. He lays it on thick during the lesson, complimenting her smile and serenading her with an Elvis ballad. In addition to hitting on his client, he's also holding the lesson in his bedroom. Sounds like a legitimate business venture to me! After the lesson, Jesse invites Corinna out for a ride on his motorcycle and they spend the day together. After their date, which included a picnic by the bay and a candlelit dinner in wine country, Corinna confirms that she's coming over on Wednesday for her next lesson. Better start saving up, Jesse. Jesse kisses Corinna at the door, though she barely moves her lips at all and seems to be cringing away from him. The girls magically appear to say "Ewwwww" and cramp Jesse's style.

In the kitchen, Jesse tells Joey and Danny it was love at first sight. Danny says he felt the same way about his late wife, but Joey says love doesn't happen that fast. Jesse says he knows it's real because he can't stop smiling. Dissolve to the present. Jesse tells Joey to tell the rest of the story.

Flashback flashback flashback. It's a couple of days later and the family minus Jesse are getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz. Corinna shows up for her lesson. Turns out Jesse is running late, so Corinna joins the gang for the movie. But, oh no - the cable has gone out. Joey happens to have a gigantic box of his props nearby, so he does his "The Wizard of Oz in 30 seconds" "comedy" "act." The less said about it, the better. The editors splice in some shots they found of Corinna laughing. Danny tells the girls it's time to put on their pajamas and get to bed, even though they were just about to sit down and watch a movie. Corinna and Joey chill on the couch. Corinna says a sense of humour is sexy and asks Joey out. She just called Joey sexy - I need a minute to dry heave. Ok. Joey finally clues in that Corinna is the woman Jesse is in love with. He goes into the kitchen to get away from her, but she follows him. He refers to Corinna as Jesse's girl and tells her that Jesse really is crazy about her. Corinna says there's nothing special between her and Jesse. Corinna plants one on Joey and they start making out. Corinna can kiss whomever she wants, and I don't know her life, but I think she needs to get out a little more if she's so smitten with Joey. Jesse comes in with a bouquet of flowers and catches the happy couple.

Jesse asks what's going on. Eventually, Joey admits they were kissing. Jesse tells Corinna he needs to speak with Joey. Corinna apologizes for causing trouble and leaves. I hope she didn't pay for her lesson in advance. Jesse chases Joey up the stairs. Hiding behind Michelle, Joey apologizes again and says he should have talked to Jesse, while Jesse says he fell in love with Corinna first. Joey says Corinna likes him more, which the world Jesse can't understand.

Back to the present. The girls go upstairs to bed. Danny wants the guy to work things out. He asks them basic questions about Corinna that the guys can't answer, showing they don't know her at all. Danny says he thinks they fell in love with the idea of love. Jesse goes all sadsack saying he wants to meet a special girl he can spend his life with. Danny tells him he doesn't have to try so hard. It's the string orchestra's time to shine! Danny says the right woman will come along and Jesse will know when it happens. Joey admits he went overboard and was just shocked Corinna actually liked him. Jesse tells him he shouldn't be shocked and admits Corinna likes Joey more than Jesse. Corinna shows up at the door again. What the hell time is it? Corinna says she doesn't want to mess up their friendship, which is why she came back to the house at probably 2 AM. Jesse tells Joey and Corinna they should be together. Joey and Corinna start making out and the girls magically appear again to say "Ewwww." And I'm saying it right along with them.

***

Moment that generated the biggest eyeroll: Oh, the entire episode.

First appearance of: Jesse's last name (for now), Cochrane

Only appearance of: Joey's true love Corinna, whom we never see again 

Episode rating: No one would accuse Full House of being a great show, but it definitely has more potential than this episode. Once again, I give this episode 0 out of 5 extra-fluffy Uncle Jesse mullets

Photo source:  stuffpoint.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 7: Knock Yourself Out

This episode holds the title for Most Boring Ever.

Danny is putting Michelle to bed, conveniently telling her he'll be on live television tonight to cover The Big Fight. Downstairs, Jesse is composing music to go along with some shitty lyrics he wrote. Jesse starts playing his new tune for Danny, but turns out it's "On Top of Old Smoky," which Danny sings along to. Joey comes in and starts bugging Jesse until he has to leave the room to get away from him. Joey then acts normal for thirty seconds as he tells Danny's he's so proud of him about tonight - going from the local news to a coast-to-coast broadcast. Danny totally burns Joey's comedy career by saying: "One day, I won't be the only one who thinks you're funny." Danny, it's cruel to get Joey's hopes up.

DJ and Stephanie give Danny a tie to wear during the broadcast. Stephanie has an extra gift for him - a homemade tie tack that's the size of Danny's face. Jesse comes out with his new tune, but it's "This Land is Your Land." Pay attention, everyone - this is the moment where Jesse decides to stop writing his own music and start ripping off the Beach Boys.

Later, the girls make Jesse run around the kitchen gathering snacks to bring upstairs to watch the game. At one point, John Stamos almost wipes out but recovers nicely. What a pro. When he finally gets upstairs with all the snacks, the girls decide to watch downstairs. Joey needs Jesse in the nursery, where it seems Michelle is sick with a cough. They bring her downstairs with them to keep an eye on her. Danny appears on TV in the training room of Reggie "The Sandman" Martin, who's competing in the big fight tonight. In the interview, Sandman's all pumped up. Danny discreetly shows his tie tack to the screen and the family cheers. I can't snark on that because my own dad used to occasionally appear on local television and would always give us secret signals. Anyway, apparently Sandman hasn't seen his wife in three months because of his training. Danny accidentally spills that Sandman's wife has left him, which Sandman doesn't know (though his coach does). Sandman starts to cry and refuses to fight, but his coach drags him to the ring. Danny throws it to commercial.

Michelle's cough is getting serious so Joey calls her doctor. Turns out it's just a cold and Michelle needs her medicine from the last time she had a cough. Michelle won't take her medicine no matter what the guys try. Meanwhile, Danny's back on tv - Sandman was K.O.'ed after a couple of minutes. Other reporters swarm Danny and ask him questions about how he ruined Sandman's career. Danny walks into the training room to apologize to Sandman, camera in tow. Sandman actually thanks Danny for telling him and fires his coach for keeping it a secret. The coach yells at Danny and punches him, but recoils in pain because he hit the tie tack. Danny thanks Stephanie. I'm so bored I throw my slipper at the tv even though Joey's not onscreen.

Michelle finally takes her medicine after Jesse yells at her a bit. Later, Danny comes home and collapses on the couch, depressed about his horrible interview. When he hears Michelle is sick, he freaks. Upstairs, Jesse is singing to Michelle in front of a humidifier. Danny comes in and, for once, he's impressed with how Joey and Jesse handled the situation.

Downstairs, the guys are drinking mugs of soup or hot toddies. Danny thanks the guys for looking after Michelle so well. He talks about how down he was when he came home, but then hearing Michelle was sick made him realize what's really important. Of course, Joey brings up the interview and Danny feels bad all over again. Joey gives him a pep talk, telling Danny to learn from his mistakes so he'll do better next time. Joey also points out that he helped the Sandman - that people trust Danny because he's a good guy. Then Jesse and Joey just start making fun of Danny and slap him on the head as the show closes.

***

I am intrigued by: A framed drawing of a bunny that's hung in the upstairs hallway. Not a child's art project or anything, just...a bunny drawing. That someone hung. As art.

I am baffled at how: No matter which staircase the family takes upstairs, they appear at the same end of the hallway.

Episode rating: As you can see, this episode was so friggin' boring I became fixated on the upstairs hallway. 0 out of 5 teaspoons of baby cold medicine

Photo source:  Ovguide.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 6: Daddy's Home

"Adrianna, meet Joey's pants."

The family is getting ready to go to Stephanie's ballet rehearsal. Like every episode, Joey is wearing a terrible outfit. His pleated khaki pants are hiked up to his waist, his shirt has palm trees on it, and he's wearing a clown tie. When Danny comes home from work, DJ reminds Danny they're going shopping for clothes after the recital. I hope Joey's invited. Jesse comes downstairs in his leather three-piece suit and bolo tie and insults Joey's outfit. Now, I would never interfere in any Joey-dissing, but between the outfit and his hair, Jesse looks like he's about to rip his pants off at an '80s-themed bachelorette party. And for once I don't mean that as a compliment.

An Italian lady named Adrianna rings the doorbell and runs into Jesse's arms. She is very pretty but needs a hot oil treatment yesterday. Apparently Jesse met Adrianna sky-diving and ran off to Rome with her. Joey admires Jesse's impulsiveness. The phone rings and Danny has one of those TV conversations where the person onscreen repeats everything the person on the phone says. Danny's station wants him to cover the game of the week that afternoon, which of course he can't turn down. Stephanie is bummed that her dad will miss her recital, but DJ cheers her up and reassures Danny that they can go shopping another time.

Out in the garage, Jesse and his lady friend are making out on his motorcycle when Joey creeps in and watches them. And Joey's allowed to roam free in the house because...? They continue to make out as Joey talks about making changes in his life - he wants more danger and excitement! Jesse tears himself away to give Joey some advice on how to be more edgy and says he'll help Joey be cool.

When Danny gets home from work, he says he's taking the girls shopping, but it turns out Jesse took care of it. He calls the girls down to model their clothes. The girls are pretty cute in the fashion show, I must admit. Danny mopes because nobody needs him anymore. That's not true, Danny - they need you to pay the mortgage! Next, Joey models his new threads. He's dressed just like Jesse - he has a red t-shirt, leather pants and a jacket, and a new attitude. After Michelle calls Jesse and then Joey "Dada," Danny freaks that he needs to spend more time with his daughters. He tells the girls it's Father-Daughter day and they are spending the whole day together.

Later in the garage, Jesse and Joey return from a motorcycle ride. Joey talks about having a religious experience on the bike. Jesse eventually agrees to let Joey take the motorcycle for a solo spin around the block. Joey's idea of acting cool and bad-ass is to call Jesse "dude" and say "radical." I would rate my second-hand embarrassment while watching this scene at a solid 9.

The next morning, Danny is videotaping the girls while they sleep, saying he wants to preserve their lives as much as possible. He announces he's not working that day, so it's Father-Daughter Day Part II. The phone rings and Jesse answers downstairs. As soon as he picks up, he yells at Joey for staying out all night with his motorcycle. Joey tells him not to have a cow, man, and hangs up. So...what was the point of his call?

That night, Joey finally rolls the bike back into the garage. Jesse has been hiding behind a giant Santa Claus decoration for god knows how long. He is really mad, chasing Joey around the garage and demanding an explanation. Joey tells a super believable story about what happened after he left the house on the bike. He met a lady dressed in red leather and drove off with her! Then they went gambling in a casino and he won 14,000 bucks...and they got married! Then they ran off to NYC and ended up on Broadway! I don't know what gave it away, but Jesse doesn't buy it. Joey actually met a woman that lives down the street and they hung out at her place playing Monopoly, and Joey fell asleep on her couch. I actually have trouble even believing that. Jesse forgives Joey and is glad he had a mini-adventure. Joey says he's still Joey, no matter how cool he tries to be. Emphasis on "tries."

Danny is tucking in the girls. DJ seems really fake when Danny prods her to say she had a nice day. Danny sends Stephanie out of the room so he can talk to DJ. DJ admits she was putting on an act for Stephanie. She says it's hard to be brave for Stephanie all the time, even though she was sad Danny had to miss the recital and shopping. Danny explains he can't be in two places at once - he has to work. DJ says she feels better and Danny promises to find more time for the girls.

Danny goes to tuck in Michelle, telling her this day was one of the best of his life. He says good night and she calls him "Dada", finally. Danny and Michelle do a freeze frame high-five! Ok, they don't, but it would only have enhanced the scene.

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Jesse on Stephanie during the fashion show: "She's a nice kid, but she's got a back problem."

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: DJ to Danny: "And anytime you want to see me, you can always pull me out of school. Especially if you want to see me during math class." Teehee, little girls in the audience, math is hard!

I am baffled by: Adrianna wearing a crop top, but adding leggings under her skirt. Is she only half-modest? Are the leggings attached to the skirt?

Episode rating: I firmly believe that the Joey character should only ever be seen serving drinks and dusting in the background. Any Joey-centric episode gets an automatic 0 out of 5 superfluous pairs of leggings

Photo source:  veehd.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 5: Sea Cruise

Why did DJ and Stephanie barely appear in the episode?
 Mousse budget overrun.

The guys are hanging out in the livingroom watching Michelle walk when DJ and Stephanie come down the stairs dressed in honeybee costumes. Apparently the Honeybees is like a Girl Scouts organization. The details are shady, but it looks like "Grandma" is picking the girls up and driving them to some overnight event. This scene has so many bee puns that I break into hives. "Grandma" honks her horn outside and none of the guys go out to greet her, they just hand Michelle over to the girls and send them on their way.

Danny points out that for once there are no children in the house. Party time! Jesse and Joey want to go out and meet women. Danny says he's not sure how he feels about that, and suggests they do some male bonding activity instead. Jesse and Joey look less than thrilled at the prospect. Danny says he's not ready to meet women since his wife has only been dead for five months. How dumb are Jesse and Joey? In the end, they begrudgingly agree to do whatever Danny wants...which turns out to be chartering a boat and going fishing.

Later, the guys are about to leave when the phone rings. Turns out it's Roxanne - a rock star that Jesse used to date before she became famous. She wants to see Jesse that very night, which Jesse almost agrees to until Danny pleads "guys' night out." Jesse bluffs that he's going to a big party on a boat called Neptune's Bride and he'll call Roxanne tomorrow.

The guys arrive on the boat, calling for Captain Jack. Turns out he's dead (or retired - I was looking for my slipper and missed the details) and his granddaughter Caroline is now the captain. Just as Danny is saying it's no big deal, they'll still have their male bonding time...Roxanne and her two back-up dancers, Yvonne and Vega, arrive with teased hair and pleather, snakeskin, and gold lamé dresses. The guys don't immediately burst out laughing at the women's get-ups, which is the opposite of how I reacted. Then I remember this show started in the '80s, so when the script said "hot lady rock stars show up...with sexy results" this is what the wardrobe department came up with and nobody batted an eye. Jesse and Joey start salivating and invite the ladies onto the boat, to Danny's chagrin.

On the boat, Jesse and Joey laugh it up and drink with the ladies. Danny reminds the guys they're there to fish and starts handing out equipment. Roxanne disses Jesse's pole, but he still makes out with her. Joey and Danny creep up on them and sing the Love Boat theme song. Joey is trying to woo both Yvonne and Vega, but when he puts his arms around them they leave to barf because they're "seasick." Just like how when I throw my slipper at the TV whenever Joey's onscreen, I tell my companion it's because there's "a fly there."

Later, everyone but Danny is having great luck at fishing. Even though the writers already met their song per episode quota, everyone breaks out into "Rockin' Robin." Except Caroline, who stands way in the back and sways in her pink sweatshirt. The guys throw dead fish back into the water as part of their choreography, which seems pretty wasteful to me. After the song, Danny falls overboard and the other guys have to go get him.

Now it's morning and Joey is in the kitchen serving everyone the fish he caught. Yvonne and Vega decide to go back to their hotel. Roxanne asks Jesse to come on the road with her. Not as a band member though - just to be with her. Jesse gets way insulted and picks a fight with Roxanne while Joey eavesdrops.

In the kitchen, Caroline links arms with Danny and offers to make him dinner. Danny gets really uncomfortable and brushes her off, but Caroline cannot take a hint and embarrasses herself by continuing to insist they go on a date. Danny loses his cool and tells Caroline the night was a mistake and she has to leave. Again, Joey eavesdrops. Danny walks Caroline out into the livingroom, where Jesse moves to throw Roxanne out of the house. Joey calls a time-out and asks Jesse and Danny to come to the kitchen for a talk.

Joey tells them they're being stupid. Jesse admits that he has an attitude because Roxanne's successful and he's not. Joey relates and says they'll both make it if they just hang in there. Joey then tells Danny his real problem is that he likes Caroline. Danny admits as much and, as the string orchestra gets going, says everything's been hard and confusing since his wife died. Joey tells the guys not to push the women away because they'd be throwing away potentially great friendships. Hugs all around! Danny is thrilled that the guys got in some male bonding after all.

Danny asks Caroline for a word. I can't believe she hasn't already left! Danny apologizes and we find out that Caroline is aware that Danny's wife died recently. And she still pestered him for a date the way she did? Danny tells her he's not ready to date just yet, but asks if they can be friends. Caroline says yes and throws her arms around him for a big, long hug, even laying her head against his chest and rocking back and forth. Caroline, have some dignity.

Back in the livingroom, Jesse apologizes for acting a fool, and Roxanne tells him his time for fame will come. DJ and Stephanie come in to close the episode and don't react at all to Roxanne or her crazy get-up. I guess this isn't the first time they've seen one of Jesse's "special friends."

**

Awards for legitimately funny lines go to: We finally have two winners from the same scene! The first is when Jesse gets the phone from Joey and says to Roxanne: "I'm sorry, that was Joey. He was raised by a family of really stupid wolves." Then, it's all in the delivery when, after Jesse bluffs to Roxanne that his "music's going really well," Joey loudly says: "That's great! You told me you couldn't even find a job."

Unintentionally hilarious line: Jesse's sadsack delivery of "I promised myself by the time I was 24, I'm going to have a record deal. I'm 24 and a half."

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: After Joey's speech to the guys. "Joey, where is this coming from?" "From my heart."

First appearance of: Michelle on two feet.

Episode rating: I would say this is the first half decent episode of the series (though my standards are very low). I give it 2.75 out of 5 velcro honeybee stingers.

Photo source:  imdb.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 4: The Return of Grandma

Calling for a hobby. Any hobby will do!

It's Saturday morning. Joey, DJ, and Stephanie are in their pajamas watching cartoons and eating cereal out of pots. Joey does a bunch of impressions because the writers needed to pad the episode a bit and got desperate. I can't help but notice that Joey's alcove has a mannequin in it, and the mannequin is always dressed in the same outfit that Joey is wearing. Does Joey really get two sets of everything when he shops? Joey, cut your clothing budget in half and spring for a room with a door.

Danny shows up with a laundry basket and is unimpressed with the lazy slobs on the couch and the piles of clothes everywhere. He drags Joey into the kitchen for a lecture and sees that it's an absolute mess. Joey didn't do the dishes even though it's his week to do them. Well, he might have gotten around to it but his mannequin needed changing. Jesse comes in after neglecting his chores and pulling an all-nighter; he introduces Bubba, a turtle that saved his life. DJ and Stephanie discover Bubba and are allowed to keep him as a pet. Stephanie then reveals that she knows Danny's mother is coming to visit today but didn't tell anyone. And Joey also knows and didn't mention it like a responsible adult would. Grandma's coming because she doesn't think Danny can take care of things at home. Danny wants to prove to his mom that he can run the household, so everyone decides to get to work cleaning the place up.

Everyone has gotten dressed and is leaving to go shopping for cleaning supplies. Joey and his mannequin have changed into a hideous shirt. Later, after putting away their new purchases, everyone decides to sit and watch TV for a bit before cleaning...but then Grandma shows up earlier than expected. Grandma almost barfs at the mess and immediately sends the girls upstairs to clean their rooms. Jesse and Joey assume Grandma will get right to work cleaning up the house for them, and leave to take in a leisurely afternoon movie.

When they get back, Danny tells the guys that Grandma wants them to clean up their own mess. Imagine! Turns out Danny's mom has called Jesse's and Joey's moms and they rushed right over to glare at their sons. Joey and his mom do a comedy bit and make everyone uncomfortable. The moms then decide to set up a schedule and trade off days so one of them can be in the house to cook and clean all week, every week. Danny's mom even says she can fly in on weekends. They're lining up around the block to clean up after three grown men? The guys get scared and propose that the moms go shopping for a couple of hours; if the place is not clean when they get back, the moms can all move in. Who wins in that scenario?

Later, the guys check in on DJ's and Stephanie's room and it's still a mess. The girls admit they lost Bubba and feel terrible. Everyone spends their two hours looking for the turtle instead of cleaning. The moms come back and are still disgusted with the mess. Danny tells them to be quiet for one goddamn minute while the men have a family moment with the girls. The guys comfort DJ and Stephanie...then everybody hugs, because this is Full House we're watching. The moms are touched and are even more excited to move in now. (Really, moms?!) Danny asks for another shot at the bet. He sends the moms to the zoo with the girls for a few hours, saying the house will be clean once they get back. Ok, but who's gonna pay for the zoo entry fees?

Next, the house is clean so we have some time for singing and dancing! The guys rock out with their feather duster, rag, and dustbuster out to "I feel good" by James Brown.

I don't feel so good after watching Joey do that.

The moms come back and are super impressed with the sparkling home until a cleaning lady comes in and asks to be paid in cash. Joey tries to pass her off as his fiancée. Right, Joey. Danny admits they got help, but vows that things at home will go smoother. The moms make pouty faces at the prospect of not moving in. Grandma says the guys might be a little sloppy, but she knows the girls are well-loved.

Bubba comes in on a skateboard! Does he do his own stunts? The episode ends as everybody hugs. Bubba just hangs out on the skateboard he probably can't climb off of.

**

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: I thought I had one contender but I decided to wait until something makes me laugh out loud. Hasn't happened yet.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: "I love this amphibian" because it's repeated so many times.

First and last appearance of: Bubba. He rolled right into sitcom heaven with Tiger from The Brady Bunch and the little sister from Family Matters.

I am baffled by: No one also referring to Jesse's (and Danny's late wife's) mom as "Grandma."

Episode rating: 1/2 out of 5 two-for-one loud shirts.

Photo source: stuffpoint.com; fanpop.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 3: The First Day of School

"Love me tender."

We open on the night before the first day of school. DJ and her friend Kimmy discuss where they'll sit in class, while Stephanie stresses over which outfit to wear for the first day of kindergarten. I try to remember if I stressed about clothing at her age; then I remember my twin and I just wore matching outfits our mom picked out for us. Jesse and Joey make an appearance and send Kimmy home. I wonder if we'll see that kid again? Michelle is covered in food and the guys have to give her a bath.

In the bathroom, Joey has drawn a bath and is standing in the tub wearing trunks, goggles, a swim cap, and a lifejacket. He takes care of the baby all day and he still has the energy for sight gags! Joey finds out he has been given the opportunity to go on stage that night in a prime slot to do his comedy act. Maybe somebody died. Later, the guys put a clean Michelle on the floor by herself while they soak in the tub and talk about their desires to entertain people. Danny walks in on Jesse singing "Love me Tender" to Joey in the bathtub. Well, Joey did seem entertained.

The next morning in the kitchen, Danny still can't get over the steamy scene he walked in on last night. The girls walk in and we find out no adult is accompanying Stephanie to her first day of kindergarten, which I find hard to believe. Danny videotapes the girls as they leave to catch the bus, with Jesse and Joey singing "Sunrise, Sunset." The studio audience goes nuts like it's never heard a song before and the girls leave without a word.

Uh oh! Stephanie comes back in to say she's not leaving. The guys try to comfort her as she talks about all the reasons she's afraid of kindergarten, and Danny finally offers to bring her to school. Jesse tells some story about an old girlfriend but I get distracted by his hair, wondering if it's a wig. When I watch the scene again, the story implies Jesse lost his virginity at age 14. Oh super, that's only four years away for little DJ!

At kindergarten, Danny tries to get Stephanie to play in the playground. As Michelle needs her diaper changed, Danny asks Stephanie to wait for him inside the class. She ventures in alone and sees Jesse sitting at a table doing arts and crafts. He tries to make Stephanie some friends by being obnoxious. One smart little girl starts blowing on her Stranger Danger whistle when Jesse approaches her, which is finally enough to attract the teacher's attention. Jesse claims to be Stephanie's father. As Jesse's an exterminator, the teacher asks him to kill a bug in the back room for free. How rude! She leaves the class unsupervised so that Joey can show up and start a game of Duck, Duck, Goose. When the teacher and Jesse interrupt him, Joey also claims to be Stephanie's father. Then Danny comes in and of course reveals the same. Jesse takes a cheap shot at Elizabeth Taylor, which is funny since they have the same hair.

Out in the playground, DJ is scaling the fence and Danny runs out to catch her. DJ explains that she was placed in the advanced class and she doesn't want to be with the geeks and apart from Kimmy. Danny tells her she has to try new things, because if she doesn't she'll never know what she's missing out on. Stephanie tries to sneak away too. DJ asks to speak to her sister alone and passes on Danny's advice, convincing Stephanie to go back to kindergarten. Stephanie joins her class and gives the thumbs up to the guys, who are totally loitering and drinking cartons of milk that are meant for the five-year-olds. Because these earlier episodes must always end on a song or dance number, the kids sing us out to "Itsy Bitsy Spider."

**

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Still nothing. I'm curious to see which episode is the first to have one! Kimmy, don't let me down.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: DJ talking about being stuck in a class with all the smart kids. "I'm the only blonde."

First appearances of: Kimmy Gibler; Jesse's Elvis impression.

The Contrivance Award goes to: The premise that none of the guys arranged to bring Stephanie to school on her first day (in this family?!), but all happen to have clear schedules that morning as they separately arrive at the school to either give Stephanie a pep talk or make false paternity claims.

Episode rating: 1 out of 5 Jetsons lunchboxes.

Photo source: Ogvideo

Full House Season 1, Episode 2: Our Very First Night

This can't end well.

One night, Jesse and Joey successfully change Michelle's diaper. Funnily enough, they can't fit her pyjamas over the two diapers they've put on her. Danny comes in and tries to burn them with a Tarzan joke. Danny needs better writers. The guys have a hard time putting DJ and Stephanie to bed - the girls demand a bedtime story, probably for the last time since the comedian, songwriter, and sportscaster have a hard time coming up with anything good. 

Oh crap! Jesse, Danny, and Joey have all made plans for the evening! Someone has to look after the girls and the chimps are unavailable. Jesse is stuck missing his band practice and as soon as the other men leave, DJ and Stephanie are in the kitchen making ice cream sundaes because they have no respect for Jesse's authority. They get all hopped up on sugar and trash their room. Downstairs, Jesse has invited his band over to practice in the livingroom. DJ and Stephanie put on their party clothes and have pizza delivered. Ten minutes later, the girls have dyed hair and are go-go dancing on the amps. Joey comes in and starts a conga line, because...well, because he's Joey. Danny walks in and the party dies, but he's used to that. Jesse covers for the girls, saying he woke them up, ordered them pizza, and forced them to be his back-up dancers.

Upstairs in Michelle's room, Danny yells at Jesse, furious that one of his free nannies didn't parent his daughters to his satisfaction. It's so hard to get good help!

Danny visits the girls' room and finds them pretending to be asleep. He spots evidence of ice cream sundaes. Nothing gets past Danny - he gets the girls to admit that they took advantage of Uncle Jesse's pretty, dumb head. The girls apologize to Jesse and agree to behave. Then they finally go to bed for real this time, damn.

Danny apologizes to Jesse for throwing a hissy fit. Danny tells Jesse and Joey that kids need limits, and they shouldn't be afraid to say no to them. The guys agree they all want this arrangement to work. Then they do a conga line into Michelle's room.

**

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Still no contenders.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: Joey saying "I bring the gift of laughter to the world."

First appearance of: Joey's Bullwinkle impression

Behind-the-scenes laugh: While watching the early scene of the guys in Michelle's room, my companion asked "Is this the one where they sing to her?" I explained that that's like asking if this is the Friends episode where Monica is shrill. 

Episode rating: These early episodes are pretty dull. 1 out of 5 Tarzan loincloths.

Photo source: Ogvideo

Full House Season 1, Episode 1: Our Very First Show

This made total sense.

Danny, DJ, and Stephanie are saying goodbye to Danny’s mother, who’s been taking care of the family since the girls’ mom died three months ago. The girls are sad to see her go and put on their pouty faces. Danny tries to cheer them up by telling them their Uncle Jesse and his best friend Joey are moving in, meaning DJ and Stephanie now have to share a room.

Uncle Jesse and his hair arrive. Jesse bounds across the room and puts his foot on the couch! With his boot on! And immediately starts telling a racy story about a showgirl he met last night. Joey arrives carrying a six-foot pile of clothing in his arms. Did he take the streetcar like that? He’s moving into the alcove at the back of the livingroom. You’d think Joey could get a real bedroom. I don’t understand why the baby can’t sleep in the alcove, but maybe that explains why I’m not a parent. Jesse moves into Stephanie’s old room. It has pink bunnies on the wall, but at least it has a door.

DJ draws a line down the girls’ room, boxing Stephanie into the corner where she can’t reach the door. In an attempt to get over the line, Stephanie climbs up the drapes and probably some stagehand hiding behind them has to slide her across the window. Ah, Hollywood magic. DJ complains to Danny and Joey about the new sleeping arrangements. Danny tells her everything will be fine and dashes off to work at the station, leaving Joey and Jesse in charge of the girls.

Joey and Jesse visit baby Michelle who is crying in her spacious room. Joey does some comedy bits which only make Michelle cry louder. The guys figure out Michelle needs her diaper changed. To do so, they carry her down to the kitchen, because...well, I don’t know why. Wacky hijinks ensue and Michelle ends up wrapped in paper towel and cinched into a laundry bag. Stephanie, who has been quietly observing the guys’ laugh-a-minute antics, shows them a jumbo deluxe bag of diapers that was right in front of their faces the whole time. 

Danny comes home to a trashed house and finds Joey and Jesse collapsed on the couch. The showgirl from Jesse’s racy story knocks at the front door and asks if she can stay the night. Stephanie shows up to ruin Jesse’s good time, revealing that DJ moved out. The guys go upstairs and the girls’ room is totally bare. How the hell did Jesse and Joey miss that? Next time Danny’s looking for reliable babysitters, I’m sure there’s plenty of room for the girls in the chimp exhibit at the San Francisco zoo. DJ has moved into the garage and it looks way cozier in there than in Joey’s alcove. Danny finds out he has no authority over DJ and can’t make her move back into her room. Joey embarrasses himself by doing more comedy, which could only make DJ move her stuff out to the driveway to get away from him. When Danny and Joey leave to take care of Michelle, Jesse offers DJ a bribe to move back in.

Jesse goes back upstairs and hears that the showgirl with the great personality left because Danny told her it would be more appropriate if she slept on the couch. Well, I wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room as Joey either. Jesse asks DJ for his money back, causing her to return to the garage. Danny chases DJ and asks her to try sharing a room with Stephanie. Danny admits he’s not as good as their mother with stuff like this, and asks DJ how mom would have handled it. DJ says mom would have caught her before she moved out. The string orchestra lays it on thick as DJ complains about how everything is changing. Bob Saget actually gets some legit teary eyes going as he comforts DJ, telling her they’re still a family and need to stick together. DJ decides to move back in and everybody hugs. 

In the livingroom, Joey serenades Michelle with The Flintstones theme song. Instead of sending him to his alcove, everyone joins in and even does a little fancy footwork. The show closes on the family singing to Michelle and giggling at how stinking adorable they all are. 

**

Award for a legitimately funny line goes to: No strong contenders.

Joke that generated the biggest eyeroll: When Stephanie climbs the drapes. Danny: “Stephanie, what are you doing?” Stephanie: “Just hanging around.”

First appearance of: “I’m a lean, mean hugging machine.”

Episode rating: Pilots are usually a little shaky. 1 out of 5 Uncle Jesse mullets

Photo source: Ogvideo