Full House Season 1, Episode 11: The Big Three-O

Eh, that'll buff right out.

Joey serves the girls breakfast and reminds them not to reveal there's a surprise 30th birthday party for Danny that night. Danny comes downstairs and the family wishes him a happy birthday. Danny wants everyone to move on and forget that he's turning 30. The girls give Danny a coupon book. One of the coupons is for a free carwash for Bullet, Danny's beloved car, which we've only ever seen in the opening credits. Danny bought it ten years ago on his birthday. 

The doorbell rings and it turns out the family got Danny a chauffeur and stretch limo for the day. Danny reminds Jesse and Joey he doesn't want a party. As soon as he leaves, Jesse and Joey start talking logistics for that night. Jesse is taking Bullet to get fitted for custom seat covers as a present for Danny.

Later that night, several adults are mingling in the livingroom. Stephanie and DJ are passing around trays of appetizers. Mmm, cheese platter. In the backyard, Jesse just got Bullet towed back to the house. The car is all busted up and covered in seaweed. He confesses to Joey and the girls that Bullet was in an accident. Caroline, aspiring captain of the Tanner Love Boat, comes in to announce that Danny's coming up the front steps. Jesse and Joey hide the seat covers and agree not to let Danny see the gift or Bullet until after the party.

Danny opens the door and everyone yells surprise. Caroline is holding Michelle, hoping Danny will accept her as a substitute mother for his children. The guys try to butter Danny up. Joey says that Jesse deserves all the credit for the party, and Jesse gives Danny a big hug. This has nothing at all to do with the scene, but DJ is wearing a bolo tie. 

Later, Danny is opening gifts. Caroline mounted Danny's bait for him since he didn't catch anything on the sea cruise (of love). Nice flirting, Caroline - we all know the way to a man's heart is to humiliate him in front of his friends and children. Stephanie comes into the room with the wrapped seat covers and Danny grabs the box before Jesse and Joey can. He opens the seat covers and leaves to put them on Bullet right away. Caroline sneaks off to unload her luggage into Danny's bedroom. Joey and Jesse catch up to Danny in the kitchen and confess to the accident. Apparently Jesse was coming out of the store with the seat covers when some guy crashed into Bullet and sent him through a guardrail and into the bay. Danny thinks Jesse is joking until he sees Bullet looking like he sank with the Titanic instead of just being in the bay for a couple of hours.

Jesse tells Danny he takes full responsibility for the accident. Danny is a bit stunned and says it's no big deal, but Jesse and Joey get him in touch with his anger by reminding him how much he loved Bullet, and that the car represented his 20s. Danny sadly says he'll never forget this birthday and goes to bed. 

Joey interrupts Danny reading to Michelle the next morning. Joey tells Danny to buck up - it's just a car! Jeez, Joey, give the man one friggin' day to mope. Danny says it's more than the car - he's having a bit of a crisis about turning thirty and being a grownup. Jesse pokes his head in and says he'll make it up to Danny. He tells Joey to get ready to go pick up another surprise for Danny. 

Jesse and Joey wander into a car dealership and find a car that looks exactly like Bullet. Jesse claims to have somehow had the time to call every dealer in Northern California to find it, even though in the previous scene Danny was just saying how early in the morning it was. Jesse says they have to get the car for no more than $11,700 so Danny can cover it with his insurance cheque. The phone rings and another buyer is on the phone and offering $12,000. Jesse and Joey start outbidding the mystery caller, who turns out to be Danny, until the price goes up to $20,000. Danny says that's too insane and hangs up. Jesse and Joey zzzzzz...end up getting the car for $11,500.

The guys come home and Danny shows them a brochure for the new car he's going to buy, saying he's moving on from his old one. Jesse and Joey admit they got Danny a new Bullet. The Imminent Hug music starts up. Danny says the guys made his birthday great. He sends the guys to round up the girls for a ride in the new car. The show closes on the family taking a ride that is identical to the one they take in the opening credits. Neat! 

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Danny when he's reading to Michelle. "Oh, it's Mr. Car. What does Mr. Car say? You're right. He doesn't say anything. Because he's dead."

Person that generated the biggest eyeroll: Caroline, in general.

First appearance of: Bullet; The backyard.

I am baffled by: The fact that the seat covers are gift wrapped. Do car dealerships provide that as a service? Or did the car fall into the bay and Jesse rushed right out to get the seat covers wrapped? Couldn't the dealer have installed them onto the seats so Danny wouldn't have to do it? Does anyone know why I'm still talking about this?

Episode rating: This episode was nothing special. I feel like the show gets a little better when DJ and Stephanie get expanded roles. I give this episode 1.5 out of 5 oversize novelty bows for cars.

Photo source: fullhouse.wikia.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 10: Joey's Place

Not to be a killjoy, but his room still doesn't have a door.

Joey is ironing in his most hideous shirt. In case you're wondering - no, he can't just iron like a normal person. DJ and Stephanie come down and Joey tells them he has news, but he can't tell them what. Jesse comes in from the garage after a long day of killing bugs for a living. Again, Joey says he can't reveal his good news. Jesse really couldn't give less of a shit. Danny comes home from work, and Joey finally announces he's been chosen to go on a comedy tour for two weeks. Sure, Joey. Wait, we should be kind - he's probably going to rehab and that's his cover story. Joey says he might not go, though, because he can't neglect his housework and the girls. Jesse offers to take two weeks off and fill in for Joey. (Heard daily around the Full House writer's table: "I'm not sure how to end this scene, any ideas?" "Hugs.")

In the living room, Joey is practicing his comedy. Doesn't seem like practice is making much of a difference. His clothes are strewn all over the room, of course. Joey keeps getting interrupted by everyone. He walks around the house looking for a place to rehearse, but can't find one. He eventually ends up in the garage. DJ comes in and watches Joey do his "Ode to a Fountain" bit, which essentially involves spitting water all over the place. DJ tells Joey he can practice in her room, but Joey says the garage isn't that bad. DJ finds out Joey has to keep his clothes in his car. I'm not surprised; he does carry a full wardrobe for his mannequin. Joey admits it's hard not to have any privacy. 

Upstairs, DJ is telling Jesse and Danny about how pathetic Joey is, while Stephanie looks out to make sure Joey doesn't overhear. DJ wants them all to help Joey get his own space. Joey comes in and the family acts all dodgy around him, saying they're doing a new family ritual of singing Michelle to sleep. Joey is hurt he wasn't included. 

Downstairs the next morning, Jesse is cooking breakfast in an apron like a pro. Joey has made a calendar of the girls' activities and his cleaning schedule for Jesse. The family comes down for breakfast and Jesse goes all June Cleaver on their asses. Joey is a bit miffed when the family asks for second helpings of Jesse's cooking. Jesse made the girls' lunches, too, so Joey feels extra useless. Before he leaves on his tour, he stops to see Michelle, who's hanging out in her playpen in the living room. So the whole family was in the kitchen cooking or eating breakfast and Michelle was in the living room by herself? Joey confides in her that he feels left out and not needed. 

Later, Michelle and Jesse are watching TV. Jesse blows raspberries on Michelle's tummy and the resulting movement in his hair is mesmerizing. A woman drops by for Joey, saying it's his turn to watch the kids. Turns out Joey watches all the kids in the neighborhood a couple of days a week. Jesse tries to intimidate the kids, but they just start throwing laundry around the living room. And that's different from when Joey's around because...?

That night, Jesse is making dinner, insisting the girls wait for Danny to arrive before eating. Danny finally comes in, and Jesse glares at him. They do a whole schtick where Jesse acts like the unappreciated housewife ragging on her absent husband. Jesse finally breaks and lays his head down on the table. By the way, he's only been a homemaker for one day. Danny says he figured out the alcove problem - they're going to hire a contractor and build Joey his own room.

Two weeks later, Joey comes home and no one greets him. He notices that his alcove is empty. In the kitchen, the family agrees to act all cool. Joey comes in and they halfheartedly greet him without taking their eyes off their board game. Joey asks where his stuff is, and they say it's in the garage. Joey flips out at them for getting rid of his stuff and not caring about him. He rants at them all the way down to the garage, then sees his swingin' new pad. Danny says Joey is his best friend and is doing Danny the biggest favour ever by looking after the girls for free. DJ tries to sell 5-year-old Stephanie on the alcove, and even she knows better than to agree to that. Everyone tackles Joey onto the bed.

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Once again, it's all in the delivery. After Jesse has his mini-breakdown over the housework, Danny says he's going to build Joey a room, and Jesse says: "Oh, great - another room for me to clean."

Unintentionally hilarious line: Joey claiming he's "been chosen as one of the hot, up-and-coming comics to go on a two-week, 16 college tour!"

First appearance of: DJ wagging her head and saying: "Ooh, the man is hot!"; we learn Joey's mannequin is named "Manny."

Episode rating: This episode made me feel bad for ragging on Joey so much - as annoying as he is, I have to admire him for looking after the girls and the house while Danny and Jesse work. Still, I really hate Joey-centric episodes. I give this one 0.5 out of 5 bombed college tour comedy routines.

Photo source:  Ovguide.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 9: The Miracle of Thanksgiving

Check out that turkey. And the roasted bird.

It's 7 AM on Thanksgiving. Danny wakes Jesse up to tell him he has a problem and needs to see him downstairs. In the living room, Joey is sleeping on his little cot in the alcove. He wakes up and annoys Jesse with his enthusiasm for the day. Danny announces that his mom is snowed-in and can't cook their Thanksgiving dinner. Joey says they can take care of the dinner, due to the miracle of Thanksgiving. Danny says everything has to be perfect because it's the girls' first Thanksgiving since their mother died. The guys pledge to make the day great for the girls. 

Later in the kitchen, the guys stare slack-jawed at all the ingredients needed for dinner. Joey is reading through cookbooks and finds the instructions too overwhelming. They decide to make a restaurant reservation instead. The girls come downstairs and Danny breaks the news about Grandma. He then announces the restaurant plan, which makes DJ all mopey. She hates their idea because her mom always made a home cooked meal for Thanksgiving. DJ says she knows how to make the pumpkin pie, and that Grandma was going to put DJ in charge of the turkey anyway. The guys decide to pitch in with side dishes.

Food's ready, and the gang sets the table to "Get Ready" by the Temptations. In addition to cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner, everyone learned a four-minute choreography. The family thanks DJ for saving dinner. Joey and Jesse go to carve the turkey, but it's still frozen stiff. Danny is praising DJ when he gets the signal from Jesse and Joey that the turkey is frozen. DJ asks if her mom would have been proud of her, as everyone else in the room and the viewing audience cringe.

Danny goes to confer with the guys, and lies to DJ that her turkey is fine. He says he wants to put it back in the oven for a crispy skin, and cranks the heat up to like 700 degrees. The doorbell rings. Two ladies are at the door and happen to be carrying a cooked turkey with them. They got lost on the way to their uncle's house for dinner. Danny's ears perk up at the mention of hot turkey and he sends the girls upstairs. Danny and Joey want Jesse to work his magic and convince the ladies and the turkey to stay for dinner. Jesse asks them to stay, but the ladies say their husbands wouldn't be happy. And those husbands are where? Out in the car? Why are they sitting in the car if the ladies were so sure this was Uncle Whatshisface's house that they brought the hot turkey with them to the door? Danny offers them money for the turkey, and they start to haggle.

In the kitchen, Joey gets his tongue stuck in a bottle. He then gets the bottle stuck between the slats on the back of a chair, and notices smoke coming out of the oven. He runs into the living room screaming while holding the chair and scares the ladies off. Joey finally manages to get the guys into the kitchen, where they take turkey out of the oven. It looks like coal. DJ spots the turkey and flips. Danny admits it was frozen, which crushes DJ. Then Stephanie drops the pumpkin pie on the ground. It depresses me when desserts are wasted. Both girls run upstairs.

Up in Danny's room, DJ mopes that she let her mom down. Danny says her mom knew Thanksgiving isn't about turkey, but about family. Stitch that on a sampler, Danny. Also, cue the string orchestra. He says DJ brought the family together. They hug.

Jesse tells Stephanie everyone makes mistakes, and he wants to show her a mistake he made once. He pulls out a photo album and shows Stephanie photos of when he was five and let his sister Pam, Stephanie's mom, cut his hair. They come across a photo of Pam. DJ and Stephanie head off to make another pumpkin pie with new attitudes. Jesse quietly tells his sister's photo that she missed a great Thanksgiving. Danny comes in and sees the photos and wants to look at them, but Jesse tries to rush out. Danny realizes Jesse is struggling on his first Thanksgiving without his sister. Jesse finally breaks and wonders when the loss is going to stop hurting. Danny comforts him, saying the feeling never completely goes away. He tells Jesse he doesn't have to go through this alone. Jesse says it's hard for him to talk about, but Danny says talking about Pam helps him keep her close. Jesse shows Danny some more pictures from his childhood. Danny tells Jesse he's glad he's there. I punch myself in the face for tearing up at a Full House episode.

Around the table, the family says grace. Danny carves the turkey shell as the family starts passing around dishes.

***

Award for legitimately funny scene goes to: As much as I hate to award this to Joey, I always crack up when he screams after seeing the smoke coming out of the oven and then discovers the burning turkey.

Moments that generated tears: When Danny and Jesse talk about missing Pam; when Stephanie drops the pumpkin pie.

Line that generated homicidal urges: Joey repeatedly making a trumpet sound and saying "It's the miracle of Thanksgiving." (5 times)

First appearance of: Danny saying, "Give me my kid." The family's address, 1882 Gerard.

Episode rating: Despite the cheesy dance scene and grating trumpet imitations, this episode showed vast improvement over the last couple of stinkers. Bob Saget and John Stamos had a genuinely touching scene, and Joey, while never completely not annoying, did have a couple of humorous moments. I give this episode 3 out of 5 chiselled pieces of frozen turkey.

Photo source: stuffpoint.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 8: Jesse's Girl

Surely her brain injury happened off-screen.

It's a dark and stormy night. Jesse comes downstairs into the living room brandishing a baseball bat. In the dark, he almost hits Joey with the bat...so close. The lights come on as Danny runs downstairs after hearing the guys scream. The girls also come down to check out the commotion. I notice Jesse's hair is extra fluffy in this scene; I wonder what his wig master's secret is. Jesse claims there's a prowler, but Joey tells them Jesse is really carrying a bat around because he's mad at Joey. Danny asks the guys to hug, but Jesse refuses and starts telling his story, claiming Joey stabbed him in the back. I notice that Joey's mannequin is, of course, wearing the same pajamas as Joey. Does Joey put pajamas on his mannequin even when he has a girl staying over? Oh, I'm being silly - as if that's ever happened.

Flashback flashback flashback. Last week, Jesse decided to start teaching guitar lessons. His first student, Corinna, arrives and her hair's even bigger than Jesse's. Jesse thinks she's pretty cute. He lays it on thick during the lesson, complimenting her smile and serenading her with an Elvis ballad. In addition to hitting on his client, he's also holding the lesson in his bedroom. Sounds like a legitimate business venture to me! After the lesson, Jesse invites Corinna out for a ride on his motorcycle and they spend the day together. After their date, which included a picnic by the bay and a candlelit dinner in wine country, Corinna confirms that she's coming over on Wednesday for her next lesson. Better start saving up, Jesse. Jesse kisses Corinna at the door, though she barely moves her lips at all and seems to be cringing away from him. The girls magically appear to say "Ewwwww" and cramp Jesse's style.

In the kitchen, Jesse tells Joey and Danny it was love at first sight. Danny says he felt the same way about his late wife, but Joey says love doesn't happen that fast. Jesse says he knows it's real because he can't stop smiling. Dissolve to the present. Jesse tells Joey to tell the rest of the story.

Flashback flashback flashback. It's a couple of days later and the family minus Jesse are getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz. Corinna shows up for her lesson. Turns out Jesse is running late, so Corinna joins the gang for the movie. But, oh no - the cable has gone out. Joey happens to have a gigantic box of his props nearby, so he does his "The Wizard of Oz in 30 seconds" "comedy" "act." The less said about it, the better. The editors splice in some shots they found of Corinna laughing. Danny tells the girls it's time to put on their pajamas and get to bed, even though they were just about to sit down and watch a movie. Corinna and Joey chill on the couch. Corinna says a sense of humour is sexy and asks Joey out. She just called Joey sexy - I need a minute to dry heave. Ok. Joey finally clues in that Corinna is the woman Jesse is in love with. He goes into the kitchen to get away from her, but she follows him. He refers to Corinna as Jesse's girl and tells her that Jesse really is crazy about her. Corinna says there's nothing special between her and Jesse. Corinna plants one on Joey and they start making out. Corinna can kiss whomever she wants, and I don't know her life, but I think she needs to get out a little more if she's so smitten with Joey. Jesse comes in with a bouquet of flowers and catches the happy couple.

Jesse asks what's going on. Eventually, Joey admits they were kissing. Jesse tells Corinna he needs to speak with Joey. Corinna apologizes for causing trouble and leaves. I hope she didn't pay for her lesson in advance. Jesse chases Joey up the stairs. Hiding behind Michelle, Joey apologizes again and says he should have talked to Jesse, while Jesse says he fell in love with Corinna first. Joey says Corinna likes him more, which the world Jesse can't understand.

Back to the present. The girls go upstairs to bed. Danny wants the guy to work things out. He asks them basic questions about Corinna that the guys can't answer, showing they don't know her at all. Danny says he thinks they fell in love with the idea of love. Jesse goes all sadsack saying he wants to meet a special girl he can spend his life with. Danny tells him he doesn't have to try so hard. It's the string orchestra's time to shine! Danny says the right woman will come along and Jesse will know when it happens. Joey admits he went overboard and was just shocked Corinna actually liked him. Jesse tells him he shouldn't be shocked and admits Corinna likes Joey more than Jesse. Corinna shows up at the door again. What the hell time is it? Corinna says she doesn't want to mess up their friendship, which is why she came back to the house at probably 2 AM. Jesse tells Joey and Corinna they should be together. Joey and Corinna start making out and the girls magically appear again to say "Ewwww." And I'm saying it right along with them.

***

Moment that generated the biggest eyeroll: Oh, the entire episode.

First appearance of: Jesse's last name (for now), Cochrane

Only appearance of: Joey's true love Corinna, whom we never see again 

Episode rating: No one would accuse Full House of being a great show, but it definitely has more potential than this episode. Once again, I give this episode 0 out of 5 extra-fluffy Uncle Jesse mullets

Photo source:  stuffpoint.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 7: Knock Yourself Out

This episode holds the title for Most Boring Ever.

Danny is putting Michelle to bed, conveniently telling her he'll be on live television tonight to cover The Big Fight. Downstairs, Jesse is composing music to go along with some shitty lyrics he wrote. Jesse starts playing his new tune for Danny, but turns out it's "On Top of Old Smoky," which Danny sings along to. Joey comes in and starts bugging Jesse until he has to leave the room to get away from him. Joey then acts normal for thirty seconds as he tells Danny's he's so proud of him about tonight - going from the local news to a coast-to-coast broadcast. Danny totally burns Joey's comedy career by saying: "One day, I won't be the only one who thinks you're funny." Danny, it's cruel to get Joey's hopes up.

DJ and Stephanie give Danny a tie to wear during the broadcast. Stephanie has an extra gift for him - a homemade tie tack that's the size of Danny's face. Jesse comes out with his new tune, but it's "This Land is Your Land." Pay attention, everyone - this is the moment where Jesse decides to stop writing his own music and start ripping off the Beach Boys.

Later, the girls make Jesse run around the kitchen gathering snacks to bring upstairs to watch the game. At one point, John Stamos almost wipes out but recovers nicely. What a pro. When he finally gets upstairs with all the snacks, the girls decide to watch downstairs. Joey needs Jesse in the nursery, where it seems Michelle is sick with a cough. They bring her downstairs with them to keep an eye on her. Danny appears on TV in the training room of Reggie "The Sandman" Martin, who's competing in the big fight tonight. In the interview, Sandman's all pumped up. Danny discreetly shows his tie tack to the screen and the family cheers. I can't snark on that because my own dad used to occasionally appear on local television and would always give us secret signals. Anyway, apparently Sandman hasn't seen his wife in three months because of his training. Danny accidentally spills that Sandman's wife has left him, which Sandman doesn't know (though his coach does). Sandman starts to cry and refuses to fight, but his coach drags him to the ring. Danny throws it to commercial.

Michelle's cough is getting serious so Joey calls her doctor. Turns out it's just a cold and Michelle needs her medicine from the last time she had a cough. Michelle won't take her medicine no matter what the guys try. Meanwhile, Danny's back on tv - Sandman was K.O.'ed after a couple of minutes. Other reporters swarm Danny and ask him questions about how he ruined Sandman's career. Danny walks into the training room to apologize to Sandman, camera in tow. Sandman actually thanks Danny for telling him and fires his coach for keeping it a secret. The coach yells at Danny and punches him, but recoils in pain because he hit the tie tack. Danny thanks Stephanie. I'm so bored I throw my slipper at the tv even though Joey's not onscreen.

Michelle finally takes her medicine after Jesse yells at her a bit. Later, Danny comes home and collapses on the couch, depressed about his horrible interview. When he hears Michelle is sick, he freaks. Upstairs, Jesse is singing to Michelle in front of a humidifier. Danny comes in and, for once, he's impressed with how Joey and Jesse handled the situation.

Downstairs, the guys are drinking mugs of soup or hot toddies. Danny thanks the guys for looking after Michelle so well. He talks about how down he was when he came home, but then hearing Michelle was sick made him realize what's really important. Of course, Joey brings up the interview and Danny feels bad all over again. Joey gives him a pep talk, telling Danny to learn from his mistakes so he'll do better next time. Joey also points out that he helped the Sandman - that people trust Danny because he's a good guy. Then Jesse and Joey just start making fun of Danny and slap him on the head as the show closes.

***

I am intrigued by: A framed drawing of a bunny that's hung in the upstairs hallway. Not a child's art project or anything, just...a bunny drawing. That someone hung. As art.

I am baffled at how: No matter which staircase the family takes upstairs, they appear at the same end of the hallway.

Episode rating: As you can see, this episode was so friggin' boring I became fixated on the upstairs hallway. 0 out of 5 teaspoons of baby cold medicine

Photo source:  Ovguide.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 6: Daddy's Home

"Adrianna, meet Joey's pants."

The family is getting ready to go to Stephanie's ballet rehearsal. Like every episode, Joey is wearing a terrible outfit. His pleated khaki pants are hiked up to his waist, his shirt has palm trees on it, and he's wearing a clown tie. When Danny comes home from work, DJ reminds Danny they're going shopping for clothes after the recital. I hope Joey's invited. Jesse comes downstairs in his leather three-piece suit and bolo tie and insults Joey's outfit. Now, I would never interfere in any Joey-dissing, but between the outfit and his hair, Jesse looks like he's about to rip his pants off at an '80s-themed bachelorette party. And for once I don't mean that as a compliment.

An Italian lady named Adrianna rings the doorbell and runs into Jesse's arms. She is very pretty but needs a hot oil treatment yesterday. Apparently Jesse met Adrianna sky-diving and ran off to Rome with her. Joey admires Jesse's impulsiveness. The phone rings and Danny has one of those TV conversations where the person onscreen repeats everything the person on the phone says. Danny's station wants him to cover the game of the week that afternoon, which of course he can't turn down. Stephanie is bummed that her dad will miss her recital, but DJ cheers her up and reassures Danny that they can go shopping another time.

Out in the garage, Jesse and his lady friend are making out on his motorcycle when Joey creeps in and watches them. And Joey's allowed to roam free in the house because...? They continue to make out as Joey talks about making changes in his life - he wants more danger and excitement! Jesse tears himself away to give Joey some advice on how to be more edgy and says he'll help Joey be cool.

When Danny gets home from work, he says he's taking the girls shopping, but it turns out Jesse took care of it. He calls the girls down to model their clothes. The girls are pretty cute in the fashion show, I must admit. Danny mopes because nobody needs him anymore. That's not true, Danny - they need you to pay the mortgage! Next, Joey models his new threads. He's dressed just like Jesse - he has a red t-shirt, leather pants and a jacket, and a new attitude. After Michelle calls Jesse and then Joey "Dada," Danny freaks that he needs to spend more time with his daughters. He tells the girls it's Father-Daughter day and they are spending the whole day together.

Later in the garage, Jesse and Joey return from a motorcycle ride. Joey talks about having a religious experience on the bike. Jesse eventually agrees to let Joey take the motorcycle for a solo spin around the block. Joey's idea of acting cool and bad-ass is to call Jesse "dude" and say "radical." I would rate my second-hand embarrassment while watching this scene at a solid 9.

The next morning, Danny is videotaping the girls while they sleep, saying he wants to preserve their lives as much as possible. He announces he's not working that day, so it's Father-Daughter Day Part II. The phone rings and Jesse answers downstairs. As soon as he picks up, he yells at Joey for staying out all night with his motorcycle. Joey tells him not to have a cow, man, and hangs up. So...what was the point of his call?

That night, Joey finally rolls the bike back into the garage. Jesse has been hiding behind a giant Santa Claus decoration for god knows how long. He is really mad, chasing Joey around the garage and demanding an explanation. Joey tells a super believable story about what happened after he left the house on the bike. He met a lady dressed in red leather and drove off with her! Then they went gambling in a casino and he won 14,000 bucks...and they got married! Then they ran off to NYC and ended up on Broadway! I don't know what gave it away, but Jesse doesn't buy it. Joey actually met a woman that lives down the street and they hung out at her place playing Monopoly, and Joey fell asleep on her couch. I actually have trouble even believing that. Jesse forgives Joey and is glad he had a mini-adventure. Joey says he's still Joey, no matter how cool he tries to be. Emphasis on "tries."

Danny is tucking in the girls. DJ seems really fake when Danny prods her to say she had a nice day. Danny sends Stephanie out of the room so he can talk to DJ. DJ admits she was putting on an act for Stephanie. She says it's hard to be brave for Stephanie all the time, even though she was sad Danny had to miss the recital and shopping. Danny explains he can't be in two places at once - he has to work. DJ says she feels better and Danny promises to find more time for the girls.

Danny goes to tuck in Michelle, telling her this day was one of the best of his life. He says good night and she calls him "Dada", finally. Danny and Michelle do a freeze frame high-five! Ok, they don't, but it would only have enhanced the scene.

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Jesse on Stephanie during the fashion show: "She's a nice kid, but she's got a back problem."

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: DJ to Danny: "And anytime you want to see me, you can always pull me out of school. Especially if you want to see me during math class." Teehee, little girls in the audience, math is hard!

I am baffled by: Adrianna wearing a crop top, but adding leggings under her skirt. Is she only half-modest? Are the leggings attached to the skirt?

Episode rating: I firmly believe that the Joey character should only ever be seen serving drinks and dusting in the background. Any Joey-centric episode gets an automatic 0 out of 5 superfluous pairs of leggings

Photo source:  veehd.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 5: Sea Cruise

Why did DJ and Stephanie barely appear in the episode?
 Mousse budget overrun.

The guys are hanging out in the livingroom watching Michelle walk when DJ and Stephanie come down the stairs dressed in honeybee costumes. Apparently the Honeybees is like a Girl Scouts organization. The details are shady, but it looks like "Grandma" is picking the girls up and driving them to some overnight event. This scene has so many bee puns that I break into hives. "Grandma" honks her horn outside and none of the guys go out to greet her, they just hand Michelle over to the girls and send them on their way.

Danny points out that for once there are no children in the house. Party time! Jesse and Joey want to go out and meet women. Danny says he's not sure how he feels about that, and suggests they do some male bonding activity instead. Jesse and Joey look less than thrilled at the prospect. Danny says he's not ready to meet women since his wife has only been dead for five months. How dumb are Jesse and Joey? In the end, they begrudgingly agree to do whatever Danny wants...which turns out to be chartering a boat and going fishing.

Later, the guys are about to leave when the phone rings. Turns out it's Roxanne - a rock star that Jesse used to date before she became famous. She wants to see Jesse that very night, which Jesse almost agrees to until Danny pleads "guys' night out." Jesse bluffs that he's going to a big party on a boat called Neptune's Bride and he'll call Roxanne tomorrow.

The guys arrive on the boat, calling for Captain Jack. Turns out he's dead (or retired - I was looking for my slipper and missed the details) and his granddaughter Caroline is now the captain. Just as Danny is saying it's no big deal, they'll still have their male bonding time...Roxanne and her two back-up dancers, Yvonne and Vega, arrive with teased hair and pleather, snakeskin, and gold lamé dresses. The guys don't immediately burst out laughing at the women's get-ups, which is the opposite of how I reacted. Then I remember this show started in the '80s, so when the script said "hot lady rock stars show up...with sexy results" this is what the wardrobe department came up with and nobody batted an eye. Jesse and Joey start salivating and invite the ladies onto the boat, to Danny's chagrin.

On the boat, Jesse and Joey laugh it up and drink with the ladies. Danny reminds the guys they're there to fish and starts handing out equipment. Roxanne disses Jesse's pole, but he still makes out with her. Joey and Danny creep up on them and sing the Love Boat theme song. Joey is trying to woo both Yvonne and Vega, but when he puts his arms around them they leave to barf because they're "seasick." Just like how when I throw my slipper at the TV whenever Joey's onscreen, I tell my companion it's because there's "a fly there."

Later, everyone but Danny is having great luck at fishing. Even though the writers already met their song per episode quota, everyone breaks out into "Rockin' Robin." Except Caroline, who stands way in the back and sways in her pink sweatshirt. The guys throw dead fish back into the water as part of their choreography, which seems pretty wasteful to me. After the song, Danny falls overboard and the other guys have to go get him.

Now it's morning and Joey is in the kitchen serving everyone the fish he caught. Yvonne and Vega decide to go back to their hotel. Roxanne asks Jesse to come on the road with her. Not as a band member though - just to be with her. Jesse gets way insulted and picks a fight with Roxanne while Joey eavesdrops.

In the kitchen, Caroline links arms with Danny and offers to make him dinner. Danny gets really uncomfortable and brushes her off, but Caroline cannot take a hint and embarrasses herself by continuing to insist they go on a date. Danny loses his cool and tells Caroline the night was a mistake and she has to leave. Again, Joey eavesdrops. Danny walks Caroline out into the livingroom, where Jesse moves to throw Roxanne out of the house. Joey calls a time-out and asks Jesse and Danny to come to the kitchen for a talk.

Joey tells them they're being stupid. Jesse admits that he has an attitude because Roxanne's successful and he's not. Joey relates and says they'll both make it if they just hang in there. Joey then tells Danny his real problem is that he likes Caroline. Danny admits as much and, as the string orchestra gets going, says everything's been hard and confusing since his wife died. Joey tells the guys not to push the women away because they'd be throwing away potentially great friendships. Hugs all around! Danny is thrilled that the guys got in some male bonding after all.

Danny asks Caroline for a word. I can't believe she hasn't already left! Danny apologizes and we find out that Caroline is aware that Danny's wife died recently. And she still pestered him for a date the way she did? Danny tells her he's not ready to date just yet, but asks if they can be friends. Caroline says yes and throws her arms around him for a big, long hug, even laying her head against his chest and rocking back and forth. Caroline, have some dignity.

Back in the livingroom, Jesse apologizes for acting a fool, and Roxanne tells him his time for fame will come. DJ and Stephanie come in to close the episode and don't react at all to Roxanne or her crazy get-up. I guess this isn't the first time they've seen one of Jesse's "special friends."

**

Awards for legitimately funny lines go to: We finally have two winners from the same scene! The first is when Jesse gets the phone from Joey and says to Roxanne: "I'm sorry, that was Joey. He was raised by a family of really stupid wolves." Then, it's all in the delivery when, after Jesse bluffs to Roxanne that his "music's going really well," Joey loudly says: "That's great! You told me you couldn't even find a job."

Unintentionally hilarious line: Jesse's sadsack delivery of "I promised myself by the time I was 24, I'm going to have a record deal. I'm 24 and a half."

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: After Joey's speech to the guys. "Joey, where is this coming from?" "From my heart."

First appearance of: Michelle on two feet.

Episode rating: I would say this is the first half decent episode of the series (though my standards are very low). I give it 2.75 out of 5 velcro honeybee stingers.

Photo source:  imdb.com