Full House Season 1, Episode 4: The Return of Grandma

Calling for a hobby. Any hobby will do!

It's Saturday morning. Joey, DJ, and Stephanie are in their pajamas watching cartoons and eating cereal out of pots. Joey does a bunch of impressions because the writers needed to pad the episode a bit and got desperate. I can't help but notice that Joey's alcove has a mannequin in it, and the mannequin is always dressed in the same outfit that Joey is wearing. Does Joey really get two sets of everything when he shops? Joey, cut your clothing budget in half and spring for a room with a door.

Danny shows up with a laundry basket and is unimpressed with the lazy slobs on the couch and the piles of clothes everywhere. He drags Joey into the kitchen for a lecture and sees that it's an absolute mess. Joey didn't do the dishes even though it's his week to do them. Well, he might have gotten around to it but his mannequin needed changing. Jesse comes in after neglecting his chores and pulling an all-nighter; he introduces Bubba, a turtle that saved his life. DJ and Stephanie discover Bubba and are allowed to keep him as a pet. Stephanie then reveals that she knows Danny's mother is coming to visit today but didn't tell anyone. And Joey also knows and didn't mention it like a responsible adult would. Grandma's coming because she doesn't think Danny can take care of things at home. Danny wants to prove to his mom that he can run the household, so everyone decides to get to work cleaning the place up.

Everyone has gotten dressed and is leaving to go shopping for cleaning supplies. Joey and his mannequin have changed into a hideous shirt. Later, after putting away their new purchases, everyone decides to sit and watch TV for a bit before cleaning...but then Grandma shows up earlier than expected. Grandma almost barfs at the mess and immediately sends the girls upstairs to clean their rooms. Jesse and Joey assume Grandma will get right to work cleaning up the house for them, and leave to take in a leisurely afternoon movie.

When they get back, Danny tells the guys that Grandma wants them to clean up their own mess. Imagine! Turns out Danny's mom has called Jesse's and Joey's moms and they rushed right over to glare at their sons. Joey and his mom do a comedy bit and make everyone uncomfortable. The moms then decide to set up a schedule and trade off days so one of them can be in the house to cook and clean all week, every week. Danny's mom even says she can fly in on weekends. They're lining up around the block to clean up after three grown men? The guys get scared and propose that the moms go shopping for a couple of hours; if the place is not clean when they get back, the moms can all move in. Who wins in that scenario?

Later, the guys check in on DJ's and Stephanie's room and it's still a mess. The girls admit they lost Bubba and feel terrible. Everyone spends their two hours looking for the turtle instead of cleaning. The moms come back and are still disgusted with the mess. Danny tells them to be quiet for one goddamn minute while the men have a family moment with the girls. The guys comfort DJ and Stephanie...then everybody hugs, because this is Full House we're watching. The moms are touched and are even more excited to move in now. (Really, moms?!) Danny asks for another shot at the bet. He sends the moms to the zoo with the girls for a few hours, saying the house will be clean once they get back. Ok, but who's gonna pay for the zoo entry fees?

Next, the house is clean so we have some time for singing and dancing! The guys rock out with their feather duster, rag, and dustbuster out to "I feel good" by James Brown.

I don't feel so good after watching Joey do that.

The moms come back and are super impressed with the sparkling home until a cleaning lady comes in and asks to be paid in cash. Joey tries to pass her off as his fiancée. Right, Joey. Danny admits they got help, but vows that things at home will go smoother. The moms make pouty faces at the prospect of not moving in. Grandma says the guys might be a little sloppy, but she knows the girls are well-loved.

Bubba comes in on a skateboard! Does he do his own stunts? The episode ends as everybody hugs. Bubba just hangs out on the skateboard he probably can't climb off of.

**

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: I thought I had one contender but I decided to wait until something makes me laugh out loud. Hasn't happened yet.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: "I love this amphibian" because it's repeated so many times.

First and last appearance of: Bubba. He rolled right into sitcom heaven with Tiger from The Brady Bunch and the little sister from Family Matters.

I am baffled by: No one also referring to Jesse's (and Danny's late wife's) mom as "Grandma."

Episode rating: 1/2 out of 5 two-for-one loud shirts.

Photo source: stuffpoint.com; fanpop.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 3: The First Day of School

"Love me tender."

We open on the night before the first day of school. DJ and her friend Kimmy discuss where they'll sit in class, while Stephanie stresses over which outfit to wear for the first day of kindergarten. I try to remember if I stressed about clothing at her age; then I remember my twin and I just wore matching outfits our mom picked out for us. Jesse and Joey make an appearance and send Kimmy home. I wonder if we'll see that kid again? Michelle is covered in food and the guys have to give her a bath.

In the bathroom, Joey has drawn a bath and is standing in the tub wearing trunks, goggles, a swim cap, and a lifejacket. He takes care of the baby all day and he still has the energy for sight gags! Joey finds out he has been given the opportunity to go on stage that night in a prime slot to do his comedy act. Maybe somebody died. Later, the guys put a clean Michelle on the floor by herself while they soak in the tub and talk about their desires to entertain people. Danny walks in on Jesse singing "Love me Tender" to Joey in the bathtub. Well, Joey did seem entertained.

The next morning in the kitchen, Danny still can't get over the steamy scene he walked in on last night. The girls walk in and we find out no adult is accompanying Stephanie to her first day of kindergarten, which I find hard to believe. Danny videotapes the girls as they leave to catch the bus, with Jesse and Joey singing "Sunrise, Sunset." The studio audience goes nuts like it's never heard a song before and the girls leave without a word.

Uh oh! Stephanie comes back in to say she's not leaving. The guys try to comfort her as she talks about all the reasons she's afraid of kindergarten, and Danny finally offers to bring her to school. Jesse tells some story about an old girlfriend but I get distracted by his hair, wondering if it's a wig. When I watch the scene again, the story implies Jesse lost his virginity at age 14. Oh super, that's only four years away for little DJ!

At kindergarten, Danny tries to get Stephanie to play in the playground. As Michelle needs her diaper changed, Danny asks Stephanie to wait for him inside the class. She ventures in alone and sees Jesse sitting at a table doing arts and crafts. He tries to make Stephanie some friends by being obnoxious. One smart little girl starts blowing on her Stranger Danger whistle when Jesse approaches her, which is finally enough to attract the teacher's attention. Jesse claims to be Stephanie's father. As Jesse's an exterminator, the teacher asks him to kill a bug in the back room for free. How rude! She leaves the class unsupervised so that Joey can show up and start a game of Duck, Duck, Goose. When the teacher and Jesse interrupt him, Joey also claims to be Stephanie's father. Then Danny comes in and of course reveals the same. Jesse takes a cheap shot at Elizabeth Taylor, which is funny since they have the same hair.

Out in the playground, DJ is scaling the fence and Danny runs out to catch her. DJ explains that she was placed in the advanced class and she doesn't want to be with the geeks and apart from Kimmy. Danny tells her she has to try new things, because if she doesn't she'll never know what she's missing out on. Stephanie tries to sneak away too. DJ asks to speak to her sister alone and passes on Danny's advice, convincing Stephanie to go back to kindergarten. Stephanie joins her class and gives the thumbs up to the guys, who are totally loitering and drinking cartons of milk that are meant for the five-year-olds. Because these earlier episodes must always end on a song or dance number, the kids sing us out to "Itsy Bitsy Spider."

**

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Still nothing. I'm curious to see which episode is the first to have one! Kimmy, don't let me down.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: DJ talking about being stuck in a class with all the smart kids. "I'm the only blonde."

First appearances of: Kimmy Gibler; Jesse's Elvis impression.

The Contrivance Award goes to: The premise that none of the guys arranged to bring Stephanie to school on her first day (in this family?!), but all happen to have clear schedules that morning as they separately arrive at the school to either give Stephanie a pep talk or make false paternity claims.

Episode rating: 1 out of 5 Jetsons lunchboxes.

Photo source: Ogvideo

Full House Season 1, Episode 2: Our Very First Night

This can't end well.

One night, Jesse and Joey successfully change Michelle's diaper. Funnily enough, they can't fit her pyjamas over the two diapers they've put on her. Danny comes in and tries to burn them with a Tarzan joke. Danny needs better writers. The guys have a hard time putting DJ and Stephanie to bed - the girls demand a bedtime story, probably for the last time since the comedian, songwriter, and sportscaster have a hard time coming up with anything good. 

Oh crap! Jesse, Danny, and Joey have all made plans for the evening! Someone has to look after the girls and the chimps are unavailable. Jesse is stuck missing his band practice and as soon as the other men leave, DJ and Stephanie are in the kitchen making ice cream sundaes because they have no respect for Jesse's authority. They get all hopped up on sugar and trash their room. Downstairs, Jesse has invited his band over to practice in the livingroom. DJ and Stephanie put on their party clothes and have pizza delivered. Ten minutes later, the girls have dyed hair and are go-go dancing on the amps. Joey comes in and starts a conga line, because...well, because he's Joey. Danny walks in and the party dies, but he's used to that. Jesse covers for the girls, saying he woke them up, ordered them pizza, and forced them to be his back-up dancers.

Upstairs in Michelle's room, Danny yells at Jesse, furious that one of his free nannies didn't parent his daughters to his satisfaction. It's so hard to get good help!

Danny visits the girls' room and finds them pretending to be asleep. He spots evidence of ice cream sundaes. Nothing gets past Danny - he gets the girls to admit that they took advantage of Uncle Jesse's pretty, dumb head. The girls apologize to Jesse and agree to behave. Then they finally go to bed for real this time, damn.

Danny apologizes to Jesse for throwing a hissy fit. Danny tells Jesse and Joey that kids need limits, and they shouldn't be afraid to say no to them. The guys agree they all want this arrangement to work. Then they do a conga line into Michelle's room.

**

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Still no contenders.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: Joey saying "I bring the gift of laughter to the world."

First appearance of: Joey's Bullwinkle impression

Behind-the-scenes laugh: While watching the early scene of the guys in Michelle's room, my companion asked "Is this the one where they sing to her?" I explained that that's like asking if this is the Friends episode where Monica is shrill. 

Episode rating: These early episodes are pretty dull. 1 out of 5 Tarzan loincloths.

Photo source: Ogvideo

Full House Season 1, Episode 1: Our Very First Show

This made total sense.

Danny, DJ, and Stephanie are saying goodbye to Danny’s mother, who’s been taking care of the family since the girls’ mom died three months ago. The girls are sad to see her go and put on their pouty faces. Danny tries to cheer them up by telling them their Uncle Jesse and his best friend Joey are moving in, meaning DJ and Stephanie now have to share a room.

Uncle Jesse and his hair arrive. Jesse bounds across the room and puts his foot on the couch! With his boot on! And immediately starts telling a racy story about a showgirl he met last night. Joey arrives carrying a six-foot pile of clothing in his arms. Did he take the streetcar like that? He’s moving into the alcove at the back of the livingroom. You’d think Joey could get a real bedroom. I don’t understand why the baby can’t sleep in the alcove, but maybe that explains why I’m not a parent. Jesse moves into Stephanie’s old room. It has pink bunnies on the wall, but at least it has a door.

DJ draws a line down the girls’ room, boxing Stephanie into the corner where she can’t reach the door. In an attempt to get over the line, Stephanie climbs up the drapes and probably some stagehand hiding behind them has to slide her across the window. Ah, Hollywood magic. DJ complains to Danny and Joey about the new sleeping arrangements. Danny tells her everything will be fine and dashes off to work at the station, leaving Joey and Jesse in charge of the girls.

Joey and Jesse visit baby Michelle who is crying in her spacious room. Joey does some comedy bits which only make Michelle cry louder. The guys figure out Michelle needs her diaper changed. To do so, they carry her down to the kitchen, because...well, I don’t know why. Wacky hijinks ensue and Michelle ends up wrapped in paper towel and cinched into a laundry bag. Stephanie, who has been quietly observing the guys’ laugh-a-minute antics, shows them a jumbo deluxe bag of diapers that was right in front of their faces the whole time. 

Danny comes home to a trashed house and finds Joey and Jesse collapsed on the couch. The showgirl from Jesse’s racy story knocks at the front door and asks if she can stay the night. Stephanie shows up to ruin Jesse’s good time, revealing that DJ moved out. The guys go upstairs and the girls’ room is totally bare. How the hell did Jesse and Joey miss that? Next time Danny’s looking for reliable babysitters, I’m sure there’s plenty of room for the girls in the chimp exhibit at the San Francisco zoo. DJ has moved into the garage and it looks way cozier in there than in Joey’s alcove. Danny finds out he has no authority over DJ and can’t make her move back into her room. Joey embarrasses himself by doing more comedy, which could only make DJ move her stuff out to the driveway to get away from him. When Danny and Joey leave to take care of Michelle, Jesse offers DJ a bribe to move back in.

Jesse goes back upstairs and hears that the showgirl with the great personality left because Danny told her it would be more appropriate if she slept on the couch. Well, I wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room as Joey either. Jesse asks DJ for his money back, causing her to return to the garage. Danny chases DJ and asks her to try sharing a room with Stephanie. Danny admits he’s not as good as their mother with stuff like this, and asks DJ how mom would have handled it. DJ says mom would have caught her before she moved out. The string orchestra lays it on thick as DJ complains about how everything is changing. Bob Saget actually gets some legit teary eyes going as he comforts DJ, telling her they’re still a family and need to stick together. DJ decides to move back in and everybody hugs. 

In the livingroom, Joey serenades Michelle with The Flintstones theme song. Instead of sending him to his alcove, everyone joins in and even does a little fancy footwork. The show closes on the family singing to Michelle and giggling at how stinking adorable they all are. 

**

Award for a legitimately funny line goes to: No strong contenders.

Joke that generated the biggest eyeroll: When Stephanie climbs the drapes. Danny: “Stephanie, what are you doing?” Stephanie: “Just hanging around.”

First appearance of: “I’m a lean, mean hugging machine.”

Episode rating: Pilots are usually a little shaky. 1 out of 5 Uncle Jesse mullets

Photo source: Ogvideo