Full House Season 1, Episode 15: A Pox in Our Home

"See you later for our pointless scene!"

Jesse and his humongous acapella group are performing in the living room. They have a little choreography that consists of walking in a circle. When they finally stop singing, everyone flips out. Jesse tells the group he'll see them later at dress rehearsal and they take 30 seconds to leave as they have to sing their way out. The family notices Stephanie is lying on the ground all sick-like. Turns out she has the chicken pox. Everyone else in the room has reportedly had the chicken pox, except Joey, though he says he's immune. They realize they have to make sure Michelle doesn't get sick.

Upstairs, Danny tucks Stephanie into bed with animal oven mitts on her hands to keep her from scratching. Stephanie says she doesn't want to miss her dance class the next day because a real ballerina is performing. Jesse comes into the room in a sequined tuxedo and the studio audience goes gaga. He gives Stephanie some lotion for her pockmarks and tells her he never scratched his because he was tough. Joey shows up and gives Stephanie a teddy bear to scratch and an air horn. Danny tucks Stephanie back into bed and says he'll be with her all weekend, except for the next afternoon because he's working on a special report where he'll get to warm up with a basketball team and sit on the bench during the game. Jesse says he's got his dress rehearsal that night, then his doo-wop show the next night, but will otherwise be around. Joey, of course, has absolutely nowhere else to be over the weekend. DJ is happy to escape the house for her first slumber party the next evening.

Then there's a useless scene where DJ tries to get Michelle to go to sleep. Worked for me!

In the kitchen the next morning, Danny is in his uniform goofing around with a basketball. DJ is getting picked up in a couple of minutes for her slumber party. Jesse comes downstairs looking like death, and Joey also looks even more awful than usual and points out some pockmarks on his skin. Just then, Jesse's mom conveniently calls and Jesse finds out he never had the chicken pox as a child. Jesse annoyingly repeats everything his mother says on the phone, which must explain why she hangs up so fast. Danny definitely needs a sitter now, since neither of the guys can go near Michelle. DJ wants to rush off to the slumber party, and Danny reassures her that he'll find a sitter for the day. Ooh, ooh, I know - call Kimmy and liven this episode up a bit.

Despite her fever, Stephanie has rounded up a fedora, long scarf, sunglasses, and a trench coat to wear as a disguise to sneak out of the house to her dance class. How resourceful! She proceeds to sneak around Jesse, Joey, and Danny. This whole sequence has a lot of really badly dubbed lines. As Danny leaves the living room, Stephanie makes for the door. Jesse comes downstairs and pretends to believe the disguise until she cracks. He walks her back upstairs to bed.

Down in Joey's room, Jesse and Joey are dabbing lotion on their pox. Joey says they have to make the best of the situation. They end up challenging each other to not scratch. This whole scene has a really weird energy; they look like they're about to pounce each other. They finally end up scratching each other and rubbing their bodies together until Danny walks in on them. I swear I'm not exaggerating this scene at all.

Later in the living room, Danny is still calling sitters and having no luck. He tells Michelle he has no one else to call. Danny considers getting DJ to come home to watch Michelle, but doesn't want to spoil her slumber party. There's a pretty cute moment where Danny pretends to call Michelle on her play phone, and she hangs up on him. It's cute because it seems like it was unrehearsed and not forced, unlike every one of Michelle's scenes once she's old enough to take direction. (Oops, spoilers.)

Back in Joey's room, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are spraying their pockmarks with water for relief and singing "Chain Gang." Danny comes downstairs and sings about the lunch he made everyone and ruins the moment. Nobody is hungry, and as Danny sets the tray down I cry because delicious sandwiches are being wasted. Danny joins them on the bed and tells them he's sticking around and has to miss filming his report. Just then, DJ appears and says she wanted to make sure Danny had a babysitter. The sappy music starts up as Danny thanks DJ over and over and DJ says being part of a family is doing nice things for each other. Danny still won't leave, gushing that he's honoured to be a part of the family and that the guys are doing something right in raising the girls. Danny finally takes off and the scene ends with Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie yelling out demands while DJ backs out of the room.

***

Award for legitimately funny moment goes to: Jesse and Stephanie doing the "chicken strut."

Unintentionally hilarious moment: After the acapella group gives Danny the stink eye over his singing, Danny says, "Hey, if we were all in the shower, you'd be begging for more."

First appearance of: While we saw Jesse perform with a band in Episode 2, this is the first time we see his acapella group, which has approximately 17 members.

I am baffled by: The size of the acapella group. Did John Stamos owe a bunch of favours to aspiring performers? Rockapella only has 5 members, and they consistently blew the roof off the Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? set.

Deep thoughts: As cringeworthy as this show can be, I have to give props to Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos for consistently giving their all when the script calls for really embarrassing lines and behaviour. A good example is Danny's song about the lunch he made for the sick peeps - it's totally ridiculous, but he sings it and dances along like a good sport.

Episode rating: Nothing special...nothing terrible, either. I give it 2.75 out 5 novelty oven mitts.

Photo source: veehd.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 14: Half a Love Story

1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a mousse war.

Danny's on the air at the news station doing his sportscasting thing. They go to commercial and we meet Danny's friend Robin. She's at the station for an interview for a field reporter position. She's pretty enough, but has major fluffy triangle head and a weirdly coordinated outfit. As Danny gets dragged away to work, he insists that Robin  come over for dinner and stay at his place that night. Uncle Jesse arrives with Michelle and scopes out Robin. He uses Michelle to lure her in. Robin takes the bait and actually blows raspberries on the tummy of the strange baby she just met three seconds ago. Jesse asks Robin out on a date that night, but Robin suggests the next day instead since she has plans. Jesse leaves Michelle with Danny as he's going back on the air. He's left holding her and introducing her to the audience. I don't know how those working dads (with live-in help) do it!

Later that night, Robin is hanging out in the living room with Danny and the girls. Joey is trying to pass off Chinese take-out cartons as his own cooking. Stephanie catches him but promises to keep quiet. The only thing of interest in this scene is that there's a really badly dubbed line. Then some chick with a scrunchie shows up saying she and Jesse have a standing date with each other when they don't have dates. Back in the living room, Jesse comes home and sees Robin. They "have chemistry." At this point in the viewing, I accidentally set the DVD on fast play and freaked myself out as everyone started talking fast and jerking around. Danny tells Jesse that Robin is staying for the weekend and Jesse's hair gets a little fluffier. Joey calls Robin, Danny, and the girls into the kitchen. Just then, Jill comes downstairs to the living room and, though Jesse tries to usher her out before Robin sees her, decides to stay for dinner.

At dinner, everybody enjoys the awkwardness as Jesse takes a seat between Jill and Robin. Robin has a smug look on her face and rubs it in that Jesse has a date that night. I don't see what the big deal is - he only just met Robin that afternoon. Jesse cringes as Jill puts her arm around him and starts telling the story of how she met Jesse. Turns out it's exactly how Jesse hit on Robin with Michelle.

In Jesse's room, Robin is practicing her audition newscast with Danny. Jesse wants a chance to explain Jill to Robin. Robin says he has nothing to apologize for, but wants to break their date. She says she knows Jesse's type and doesn't want to get into trouble again. Jesse puts the moves on her, and they flirt with each other with Danny sitting right between them. Finally, Danny gets kicked out of the room and Robin tells Jesse she's afraid of getting hurt. Then Robin kicks Jesse out, where the whole family is eavesdropping in the hallway. IT'S THAT BUNNY DRAWING AGAIN IN THE BACKGROUND! Funny how it shows up when I'm bored.

The next morning at breakfast, Jesse says he's over Robin and is moving on. Danny tells Jesse to slow down for once and just become friends with Robin. Upstairs, the girls are watching Robin get ready for her audition and saying they want her to date Jesse. Robin says she hopes one day she has nieces just like them. What a strange thing to say. Stephanie slams her finger in her drawer and Jesse comes to the rescue to make her feel better while Robin watches.

Later at the station, Jesse walks in on Robin practicing her audition piece. Robin asks him for feedback and he tells her she's boring. He says she's not showing any energy and shouldn't be afraid to go nuts. Jesse puts on his own audition as an example and the less said about it, the better. We're supposed to believe this helped loosen her up.

Later at the house, everyone's toasting Robin because she got the job. Robin asks to speak to Jesse alone in the backyard. Robin thanks Jesse for his help at the audition. She says she was wrong about Jesse - that he has strong maternal instincts and she likes that about him. She says she understands why the girls love him. Jesse says he wants to become friends with Robin, but that it'll be up to her to make the first move if she wants to go any further. They hug each other and Jesse asks if that was the move. Robin asked if his toes curled, then says that when she makes a move, everything curls. That just sounds painful.


***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Stephanie, after DJ admits she doesn't remember meeting Robin. Danny: "It's ok, Deej, you were only five." Stephanie: "I'm only five. Does that mean I'm going to forget all this?!"

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll: Jesse: "We're like fire and ice, you and me." Robin: "Do you know what you get with fire and ice?" Jesse: "Yeah. Steam."

First and last appearance of: Robin Winslow. I get the feeling that this Robin person was supposed to eventually become the Rebecca Donaldson character (i.e., Jesse's wife). Her arrival onto the show feels a bit forced, and with the weird nieces comment and the job offer, it just feels like she's being set up to be a regular character. I guess viewers didn't warm up to her gigantic hair and non-existent chemistry with Jesse.

I am baffled by: The writers asking us to believe that Jesse would have to leave Michelle at the station with Danny while he works. Isn't Joey the full-time babysitter? What the hell was he up to all day?

Episode rating: Aside from some skillful line deliveries from the girls, this episode was the pits. 1 out of 5 trashcans full of Chinese take-out cartons.

Photo source: stuffpoint.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 13: Sisterly Love

The least attractive cereal box design ever.

Danny comes through the front door and grandly announces DJ to...no one, since the family is right behind him. DJ just starred in a rendition of The Frog Prince. Danny is annoyed when Jesse tells Danny to let DJ audition for commercials, because DJ gets all pumped up.

Later (the next day?), Danny finds Jesse and Michelle in the kitchen. Joey comes in with a bag of groceries and turns down a corned beef sandwich. He has tofu, salt-free rice crackers, and veggies. The guys laugh at him until Joey reveals his cholesterol is a little high so he has to exercise and eat less fat. Joey has also decided to give up junk food, which Danny and Jesse find hard to believe. Danny rudely brings the attention back to himself to say he spoke to a casting director and there's an audition next week for a cereal commercial. He isn't sure if he should tell DJ, and Jesse and Joey are useless in helping Danny make a decision. He decides to just talk to DJ about it. Of course, she's thrilled and wants to audition.

In some audition reception room, DJ, Stephanie, and Jesse arrive and watch all the pretentious professional kiddie actors hanging around. Turns out Jesse didn't even bring a headshot for DJ - as if Danny, a sportscaster, wouldn't have known that was necessary. DJ is allowed to audition anyway. The casting lady thinks she's great and wants her to perform again for Mr. Betten, the guy who makes the final decision. DJ wants to do her hair and Jesse suddenly has to go put change in the meter, so Stephanie is conveniently left alone in the room with the casting lady. Stephanie starts playing with the cereal when Mr. Betten comes in and thinks she is perfect for the commercial. Jesse and DJ come back in to see Stephanie getting offered the role, even though they were only off-screen for 36 seconds.

Back at home in the kitchen, Danny is watching Joey have a wheat germ drink. DJ comes in and slams drawers and pouts over to the table with a bottle of juice. Jesse and Stephanie reveal Stephanie got the part. Danny simultaneously congratulates her and apologizes to DJ, who stomps off to her room.

Later in Michelle's room, Joey is waving a Big Mac in the baby's face. He can't help himself from chowing down on the burger. The guys come in and Joey hides the burger in Michelle's crib, though the guys find it in like five seconds. Joey cries that he has no willpower. Danny tells Joey he tried to change too quickly and should try more moderation. Danny tells the guys he has to go to work and that Jesse and Joey have to keep an eye on the girls, who are avoiding each other.

Downstairs, DJ walks in on Stephanie practicing her commercial and reading all the actions in parentheses out loud. The girls start chasing each other around the kitchen and yelling until the box of cereal gets ripped open and Jesse and Joey have to separate them. DJ runs to Joey's room and the guys follow her. Joey tells DJ that it's normal to get rejected at auditions. Take it from the expert, DJ. Jesse tries a little reverse psychology on DJ, ultimately pointing out that Stephanie didn't steal the part on purpose. But DJ is sick of having cuter, younger sisters and misses being the only kid. The guys point out the benefits of being the older sister. The scene ends with noogies.

In the living room, Stephanie is trying to call the commercial people to turn down the role. DJ comes in and the girls work everything out while someone cues the string orchestra that is hiding in the attic. DJ helps Stephanie practice her lines.

***

Award for legitimately funny performance goes to: Jesse was funny enough in general. There was a quick shot of him mouthing along with DJ's cue cards in the audition that was chuckle-worthy.

Line that generated the biggest eyeroll:  DJ: "You're my best friend." (...) Stephanie: "Well that works out great, because you're mine." Children don't talk to each other like that.

First appearance of: Stephanie saying "How rude!"

Unintentionally hilarious moment: In the lead-up to the commercial break after Jesse and DJ find out Stephanie was offered the part, while ominous music is playing, there's a pretty funny shot of DJ giving Stephanie the stinkeye while Stephanie just kind of has a blank look on her face and stares at nothing. Maybe a 5-year-old doesn't know how to play guilt.

I am baffled by: The healthy eating subplot. It had no point.

Episode rating: 2.75 out of 5 paper grocery bags with bunches of carrots peeking out of the top.

Photo source:  sidereel.com

Full House Season 1, Episode 12: Our Very First Promo

The general sentiment from viewers of this episode.

I usually don't pay attention to the opening credits since they're like 40 minutes long, but I happened to watch them just now and noticed that the shot from behind of Danny and the girls fishing is totally not Danny and the girls. The camera gets a pretty good shot of the man's profile and it's not Bob Saget, and you can tell they used two random blonde children with different hairstyles to stand in for DJ and Stephanie. I wonder if it's the same man who was originally cast in Danny's role? (Tip: on the first season DVDs, you can watch the pilot they shot with the original Danny. It's weird.) I guess they were too lazy to reshoot the scene, which is even stranger since they did manage to shoot a clip of the real Danny and the girls fishing from the front. They film all kinds of stupid crap for this show, but they couldn't manage to roll the cameras behind the actors for ten seconds?

Anyway, on to the episode. Kimmy Gibbler's back! She and DJ are in the garage saying goodbye. Why in such a hurry, Kimmy? I guess this episode aired out of sequence, since Joey's room is in the now-renovated garage as of two episodes ago. Stephanie appears, much to DJ's chagrin. As Kimmy's leaving, Stephanie hears a really fake animal call and thinks it's a monster.

Upstairs, Joey is cooking dinner in character as a Japanese chef. Jesse joins in on the casual racism. He has his exterminator uniform on to remind us of what he does for a living. The girls come up and tell Jesse about the strange recording noise they heard. Danny arrives home from work and announces that the station is filming a promo about its newscasters, and his is being shot first. The family doesn't care until they find out they'll be in the promo too. The crew is coming over the next day to film them.

The monster sound comes on again overnight and wakes up the girls. They run into the hallway screaming. In the only interesting part of the episode, Jesse comes out of his bedroom in a tank top. He investigates the noise and finds nothing. Danny ends up sitting in bed with the girls to help them sleep. He bores the girls to sleep, but can't get out of bed without disturbing them, so ends up spending the night in their room. This whole scene is so pointless - it's not funny at all. If they needed to pad the episode, they could have just filmed Jesse changing into and out of his tank top or shaving his head.

The next day, Jesse and Joey are dressing Michelle for her television debut when the monster makes his noise again. Jesse determines it's a ferret and gets all excited to track it down. Downstairs, the doorbell rings and it's the TV director person, Ronnie. Like I mentioned, Joey's stuff is still in the alcove for this episode. We're supposed to hate Ronnie because she's pretentious. I just hate her.

Down in the garage, Jesse is trying to catch the ferret with a baseball glove, quickly telling Joey he "had to improvise" because he left his exterminator tools in the car. What kind of a stupid excuse is that? When Jesse hears the ferret walking around in the wall, he takes off the baseball glove and tosses it away - so what was the point of wearing it in the first place? Jesse tells Joey he's going to kill the ferret, but Joey thinks that's sad and opens the garage door to free it. The ferret goes up into the crawl space with Jesse right behind him. Joey takes the ladder away and won't put it back until Jesse promises he won't kill the ferret. Instead of insisting Joey put the ladder back, Jesse just starts climbing down headfirst onto Joey's shoulders, which of course Ronnie walks in on. She can't believe she has to shoot a promo with these bozos. I can't believe I watch this show voluntarily.

Later, Danny shows up and sees Joey moving all of his stuff out of the alcove because Ronnie told him he has to pretend not to exist. Joey gets to hold the cue cards behind the scenes. That's not a union job? Ronnie tells Danny she wants to set him apart from the crowd and sell his family with class and sophistication. They run through a quick rehearsal, which has Danny coming home from work, speaking Italian, and being greeted by a strange dog. The camera guy is walking around like he's filming while Ronnie stands right in front of the lens. Nice rehearsing, guys. The girls come in dressed in fancy skirts, carrying violins, and speaking French. Jesse pretends to be the help. (Pretends?) Then "Michelle" comes in, but she's been replaced by another child who's way cuter because Ronnie didn't think Michelle was right for the part. Since Danny hasn't yelled at Jesse and Joey for a while, he yells at them for getting talked into this charade. Ronnie tells Danny that local news is a competitive market and Danny has to make a splash. Danny says he's proud of his family, and he wants to direct the commercial himself. Ronnie gets to hold the cue cards. I'm sure the various unions employed by the station won't object to that!

Some time later, the family watches themselves on TV (with Kimmy). The commercial is really stupid and no station would ever air it. (...Well, I guess ABC did). They go into the kitchen for sundaes when Jesse hears the sound again. He catches the ferret and tells Joey he's going to let it go free.

***

Award for legitimately funny line goes to: Danny says to Ronnie: "You're saying my daughter wasn't right for the part of my daughter?" Joey: "I auditioned for the part and I came that close."

Lines that generated the biggest eyerolls: The girls' "cute" interruptions during the family commercial.

I am baffled by: There are so many inconsistencies in this particular episode, and you could drive Bullet through the holes in the plot, barnacles included.

Further thoughts on the opening credits: The giant family-style spaghetti dinner the gang is sitting down to at the end of the credits always makes me hungry. Also, it cracks me up that Michelle is sitting on the floor by herself in front of a wide open door to the backyard, until Danny finally remembers she's part of the family too and picks her up.

Episode rating: 0.5 out of 5 illogical, improvised methods for catching ferrets.

Photo source: Veehd.com